Simply Capturing Life

Intentional Parenting

2012-02-09T11:31:00.000-08:00

I tend to be a reactive parent. I strive to be intentional. I work hard at learning and educating my kids in the ways of the world. But unfortunately, I succumb to the tiredness and frustration and don't have the finest parenting moments a lot of times. Like I blow my top when the dishes are put in the sink instead of the dishwasher for the 10th time that day (come on people, it is right next to the sink!). Or I promise myself that I am going to play with Little Man instead of letting Legos entertain him for an hour after he gets home from preschool… but I succumb to the quiet the Legos provide and then feel guilty. Not the finest parenting moments for sure.

But, I am proud to say I had a good, intentional, teachable moment with Soccer Girl last week. While sitting at swimming lessons for Little Man and Lizard, I asked to see her cell phone. I routinely spot check her phone, contacts and text messages. She is fully aware of this and often it is done in a fun way after we have talked about some particular text she told me about. Her reaction was out of character… she said "well Mom, I deleted {insert name of boy who likes her} texts so you could not read them." I asked why and she said, again uncharacteristically, "well there are way more things going on than you know about." This was said in a very disrespectful tone and again VERY uncharacteristic of Soccer Girl. I simply said "give me your phone" and I put in my purse.

I kept my mouth shut for quite awhile. I will pause here, because this is HUGE for me. I normal ramble on and on making my point. But, I wisely kept my mouth shut. After a little bit, I asked what is going on that I do not know about. She said that {insert boy who likes her} had texted her that he "loved her." She said it was in a joking manner over a week ago and was not a big deal. I asked her if it was not a big deal, why did she feel the need to delete her text? Silence. I then went on to say that the tone in which she spoke to me is unacceptable and that what he texted her was not appropriate. I will pause here to say this boy is a good kid, very respectful and upfront with his parents and knows Chief and I are aware of his fondness for Soccer Girl.

So we finished up swimming, showered, and stopped at the store to get a few things. I remained silent and did not comment or reprimand. Again, HUGE for me. Soccer Girl knew the seriousness of what was going on since my reaction was so out of character for me. On the way home, Soccer Girl began to cry in the seat next to me and looked out the window. I simply rubbed her back for a few minutes and again kept my trap shut.

The whole time I am talking with myself…. how are you going to handle this one? What is making you so mad? Is it that this boy said I love you or that she hide the text? Is that she was so disrespectful? It came down to trust. I have never questioned Soccer Girl. She has never given us any reason to not trust her. That was the bottom line. I was a bit peeved at the I love you statement. But honestly, her actions were untrustworthy and that did not sit well with me.

After getting Little Man to bed, I talked with Soccer Girl. We talked about what our actions tell people about ourselves and what our actions say to the other person about what you think of them. I explained her actions told me I may not be able to trust her. We talked about with trust comes freedom. I also told her that the manner in which she spoke to me was disrespectful and told me that she did not think I have any idea what is going on with her or kids her age. I explained I was not mad about what he texted (although it was totally inappropriate and raises questions in our minds about him); it was the manner in which she chose to handle herself.

We went on to talk about when she is with her friends, when she does/says something OR does not do/does not say something, she is sending a message to them about her values. She needs to convey her values, what she believes is right and wrong in everything she does. We talked about it not being easy, even for an adult. But it is so important that her friends know where her "line in the sand" is. This is a phrase we have used for a long time. We have talked about why some parents let their kids watch movies we would not let her watch…. their line in the sand is different then ours. We have used this in reference to music or ability to do certain things… it is all based on where our line stands. So she knows what a "line in the sand" means. We talked about if your friends don't honor your line, they are not a true friend. But you have to let them know what is OK and what is not OK… where you stand.

Overall, we had a really good discussion. I think she got what I was trying to explain to her. She is smart like that. And, I did not ramble. I did not drone on and on. We had a discussion and I think I set the tone for the teen years and how important trust is in our relationship. At least I pray I did.

The Gift of a Blog Post

2012-01-16T20:04:00.000-08:00

There are many blog posts that I read in my travels that have great information, a funny story or a thought provoking viewpoint. But every once in awhile, there is some posts that are written TO me. FOR ME.. and about what is in my heart. A blog post over at Momastery the other day is one such post. I only recently came across this blog through a good friend posting a link on facebook. There have been quite a few gems in just a week or so (I haven't even had a chance to read her archives!). In fact, I even took the time to read a few posts to Chief - again, some were thought provoking and some funny. But the post the other day, was FOR ME at exactly the right moment. To read "my" post, go here.

I have written about Little Man's struggles many times. I know logically in my head that he is wonderfully made and it is the world that needs to adjust. But, is has been a struggle for me to really believe that... deep down. That is hard to admit. I know there are many kids who struggle much more than my son. I feel a little selfish and dramatic feeling what I do at times and saying how hard it it. But it is. I have parented two other kids who are "model" children. So in contract, Little Man's challenges are big to me. They are difficult and they are embarrassing.

Glennon's post said everything I have been feeling so beautifully. Here are a few excerpts:

"Every child is gifted and talented. Every single one. "

"... if we are patient and calm... and we keep believing, we will eventually see the specific magic of each child."

"We have to actually believe that our kids are okay.

I know. Tough. But we can do it. We can start believing by erasing the idea that education is a race. It’s not. Actually, education is like Christmas. We’re all just opening our gifts, one at a time. And it is a fact that each and every child has a bright shiny present with her name on it, waiting there underneath the tree. God wrapped it up, and He’ll let us know when it’s time to unwrap it. In the meantime, we must believe that our children are okay. Every last one of them. The perfect ones and the naughty ones and the chunky ones and the shy ones and the loud ones and the so far behind ones and the ones with autism.

Because here’s what I believe. I think a child can survive a teacher or other children accidentally suggesting that he’s not okay. As long as when he comes home, he looks at his mama and knows by her face that he really is."

WOW.

Having just received the official ADHD diagnosis, I have been thinking a lot about shifting my mind set. Little Man is not TRYING to be naughty, defiant or difficult. He wants to have friends and please us and his teacher. I am thankful that he is young enough to not realize the impact of his struggles on others and himself. We are praying we can help him learn to manage himself before he sees things clearly and how his behavior impacts him socially and academically.

I want him to know he is okay... deep in his soul. And that starts with me believing, deep in my soul that he is okay and will be okay.

I pray that he knows he is okay... no matter what he does or says. He has so many things to show the world. It is my hope and prayer that he and I can say to the world some day "told you so."

Time Does Fly!

2012-01-09T14:47:00.000-08:00

Well, that was an unplanned break! I can not believe over a month has gone since I last posted. Honestly, I had lots of thoughts to write down last month. I think I even sat down a few times to start a post and then got pulled away for some reason. But, time does fly, especially when you are not looking...

So I am going to resort to a good old bullet type list to catch this blog up to date:

1. I am back to working one morning a week. My "free" time without kids last month was taken up with Christmas stuff - gift buying, trip planning and other such stuff. It has been a very good thing to be home more again. I think everyone is happier (except maybe the bank account). I feel more like myself again.

Now that the New Year is here, I am trying to get a groove going. I don't want to waste time. I want to be intentional. I need to focus on adding some more work to my schedule (consulting and/or some other avenue), but I am looking for a flexible from home set up. Our family needs me home. That is one thing I know.

2. We spent Christmas in Sunriver - just the five of us. It was heaven! We love our extended families to death. We all get along, don't fight or have much underlying tension I hear some families have. We have a good time playing games, eating and all that fun stuff. But we have either hosted family or traveled (and all the house hopping that entails) every Christmas our ENTIRE marriage. We have never had Christmas morning with just us. It was waaaayyyy overdue.

We ate easy meals, I read a whole book in three days, the kids ran around and did what they wanted without too much correction from us to settle down, we went on bike rides, walks (hmmm, yah… there was NO snow!!! I am still ticked about that), went in the hot tub and just enjoyed being together with no schedule or food to have done at a certain time. It was a much needed refresher for our family.

3. Lizard is starting speech intervention at school this week. The crazy kid sounds like she is from Boston. She was in early intervention for speech articulation in preschool. When she was tested in Kindergarten, she did not "qualify" for intervention. We have however, been watching her "R" sounds for quite awhile and while they were better in Kindergarten, they have slowly gotten worse over the years. She is excited about fixing her sound. Poor thing was upset about getting assigned the number "four" jersey in basketball. She was upset that she would have tell people she was "four" and not be able to say it right because of her "R" sound.

4. Soccer Girl is doing great in school. She made honor roll! Oh my... The middle school drama. She is not actually "in" the drama, but is having a great time telling me all about it… who likes who, who does what, who has changed, who she thinks is headed for trouble and all that. She said to me after her first day back at school from break, "Mom, big news at school. So and So (name removed to protect the innocent) got her eyebrows fixed." Oh my, to be twelve! She has been very open with us about the one boy (who she has know since Kindergarten) who likes her. He is a good kid and very nice so I am not too worried… at least so far.

It is interesting how the boy thing works now days. Texting has added a whole new level of communication between young kids. When I was twelve, a boy had to get up the nerve and call you. Now, they can just text you… at 10 o'clock at night. Heaven help us!

5. Little Man. While there are times I could just eat him because he is so sweet and kind, there are other times, I could ring his neck. We met with his teacher in December and received some sobering information, not surprising... but sobering nonetheless. And, we have begun working with a psychologist. She has diagnosed him with ADHD - hyperactive/impulsive. We are not surprised since we have had so many issues for so long, but we don't believe it to some extent because the questionnaires we completed are just a snap shot in time. And he does not "look" like the typical ADHD kid who hangs from the rafters. But, any "diagnosis" for your child is hard to accept, I guess. So we are starting our journey… I will obviously post more as we learn more and work out a plan.

6. I turned 44. Neat.

That, I think, are the highlights of the last month. I am glad to ring in a new year with all the possibilities.

Thankful: Day 29 & 30!

2011-11-30T14:14:00.000-08:00

Day 29 - thankful Little Man did not break his arm and for medical care so close to home.

Day 30 - my last day at my job. So very thankful to be back to working one day a week. While the budget will be tight again (sigh), the timing it good and we have a plan in place.

This was an interesting exercise to think daily about what I am thankful for. Even when I did not write it down daily, I could very easily think of what I was thankful…it was what stood out to me most. I just read this quote on Pinterest.

What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday.

Thankful: Day 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28

2011-11-28T15:00:00.000-08:00

Behind again!

Day 23 - realizing that while she is growing up fast, Soccer Girls is still very innocent. When filling out a form at the doctor's office, she asked if she lived in a shelter. No sweetie, you don't.

Day 24 - my extended family and having an abundance of food.

Day 25 - enjoying a good lazy day.

Day 26 - loving on a sweet puppy. She almost came home with us... if she wasn't $700.00!!

Day 27 - spending time at the library all by myself. It was just about 30 minutes, but it was so nice. The possibilities are endless...

Day 28 - waking my kids up in the morning. They are safe at home and are so beautiful.

We Need to Meet

2011-11-23T09:31:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Little Man's preschool teacher asked to meet with me. While Little Man is doing okay, she said he "needs more." The incentives they use in the room are not enough for him. She would like to devise a plan to work with him.

She told me he is very smart but very energetic. I have learned over the years that those are codes for he doesn't keep his hands to himself… he interferes in the class… he is not able to socialize with the other kids… label it however you want. It means he is still struggling. While he has improved, I know he will continue to struggle well into his formal school years.

So we will meet next week to talk about the issues and come up with a plan. But, right now, I feel like we have not done enough for him and that I have failed him. I feel just plain defeated and sad.

I know that I need to embrace all of him. I know that he is wonderfully made. I know that all of the things that may be viewed as "challenges" now will fade and serve him well… some day. It is just hard to accept that when it is your kid not invited to a class birthday party and most days the teacher has to talk to you about what happened that day.

I will feel sad for a little bit longer. Then I will look into his beautiful face and plow forward with a plan.

Thankful: Day 18, 19, 20, 21, 22

2011-11-22T20:57:00.000-08:00

Day 18 - traveling with good friends to see another good friend. So nice to spend time talking with adults and catching up. And, a delicious dinner.

Day 19 - watching the 4th Twilight movie during the day and shopping and eating out… all without interruptions, refereeing, or yelling.

Day 20 - see Chief after a few days away. I love that man.

Day 21 - watching Lizard practice basketball. Although she is tiny, she is quick and is learning a lot.

Day 22 - becoming a mom 12 years ago today.

Thankful: Day 17

2011-11-17T15:06:00.000-08:00

Day 17- Packing for a girls weekend. Excited to spend time with good friends, catching up, eating good food and just connecting without distractions.

Thankful: Day 15 & 16

2011-11-16T13:36:00.000-08:00

Day 15 - Hearing that Soccer Girl wanted to deliver Thanksgiving food baskets with her youth group even though it was on her birthday. It was evident she is learning the lesson of giving (not just donating food to a bin) and selflessness. Turns out they are delivering them two days before her birthday anyway. :-)

Day 16 - Little Man having a great day today. He was so excited when I picked him up about his work and earning a prize today for his behavior. Love days like this! And I love that almost all of the pictures that he draws are of Little Man and Chief doing fun things. He loves his Daddy.

Thankful: Day 10, 11, 12, 13, 14

2011-11-14T20:43:00.000-08:00

Yikes… I have gotten behind in documenting what I am thankful for each day here on the blog. But I have been noticing and writing it on a sticky note so I don't forget.

Day 10 - being able to hug all of my kids. Six years ago today a friend lost her oldest daughter in a teribble car accident. That is never too far from my mind.

Day 11 - having a very productive day and crossing a big project off my list… one I thought would drag into the weekend.

Day 12 - the red Starbuck's cup filled with hot cholocate on a cold day.

Day 13 - NOT having a Voodoo Donut. Thankful for some will power.

Day 14 - texting Chief during the day. I love the little chime on my iPhone when a text comes in and I see it is from him. Love. It.

Thankful: Day 7, 8 & 9

2011-11-09T13:33:00.000-08:00

Day 7 - finally starting a new technique with the kids (mainly Little Man and Lizard) to help stop the arguing, yelling and "swearing". So far I am very thankful for the results.

Day 8 - playing Duck Duck Goose and What Time is it Mr. Fox? with the family. Love the smiles and simple fun.

Day 9 - for Little Man's "out of the mouth of babes" comment this morning. Might just be the kick in the pants I need for make some healthy changes.

Thankful: Day 5 & Day 6

2011-11-06T19:42:00.000-08:00

Day 5 - time alone with Chief. Between work, activities and life in general, time without interruptions is few and far between. Even thought we just ran to the mall to help me find new jeans, it was so nice to spend a few hours alone.

Day 6 - watching Soccer Girl on the soccer field. She is a natural athlete and so fun to watch. I am so proud to be her Mom.

Thankful: Day 4

2011-11-04T20:29:00.000-07:00

Day 4 - a special date with my Little Man. Just the two of us on a Friday night building all sorts of Lego creations. My heart needed the reminder how special, loving and funny he can be. I love you Little Man.

Thankful: Day 3

2011-11-03T21:10:00.000-07:00

Day 3 - knowing I will be back home and able to take my kids to school in less than a month.

Thankful: Day 1 & 2

2011-11-02T21:47:00.000-07:00

I have noticed on Facebook and the blog world the challenge to post one thing you are thankful for each day in November. I like that. I am going to post my "30 days of thankfuls" here on my blog. Maybe a few at a time, but 30 days of what I am grateful for… what makes me smile.

A dear friend of mine gave me Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts. It is a thought provoking book about finding thankfulness in your day to day life; in the daily grind of a messy kitchen and arguments over homework. If you have not read it, I would highly recommend it.

Day 1 - my three children.
Day 2 - hearing rain pour down while I am inside my warm house.

Full Circle

2011-10-12T13:55:00.000-07:00

My Mom suffers from early on-set of Alzheimer's. I think she was 68 or so when we first started to notice things were not right. Looking back almost 5 years ago at Christmas, she could not play dominos… a game she has played before. She got confused and I was frustrated. When Little Man was born four and half years ago, she was here helping and could not seem to keep up with the schedule that was necessary… getting Soccer Girl to school, Lizard to preschool, hospital visits and meals. It seemed odd at the time, but I did not think to much about it. Then that summer, my sister noticed some things on a vacation her family took with my Mom and Dad. Dad had been noticing thing.

Then that holiday season my Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Crisis had set in, friends starting calling concerned about Dad, but also shedding some light on their concerns with Mom. I was traveling back and forth as often as I could to help out. I remember one time when Dad was in the hospital, Mom got a message that his insurance had been cancelled. He was in the hospital, very sick receiving some very expensive treatment and Mom panicked. She was at a loss as to what to do. Thankfully I was there so I could step in. I started making phones calls and got the situation cleared up. I think much of my Mom's panic and inability to act was stress and the magnitude of what they were faced with. I could see myself reacting the same way if I were in her shoes. But looking back, I think it was a very real sign of her inability to make decisions… something very common in someone with Alzheimer's. She worked her whole career in the medical field. She KNEW her way around hospitals, insurance and medical jargon. She was at a loss. It was during this time that she was officially diagnosed.

Now almost five years later she is struggling. She has just about ceased communicating. At first it was because she seemed to struggled to find her words. Now it seems that she does not understand you. That may not be accurate, but that is what it feels like and looks like when you talk to her. Her eyes are often blank or distant. She does not know her name or her grand kid's names. On her last visit here, she looked right at me and asked "where is Jenny?" She needs assistance getting dressed, bathing and cutting up her food most times.

She is fortunate that she is still able to be at home. My Dad is her 24/7 caregiver. It is and has been an incredible burden and I am just thankful that Dad finally is getting some assistance with her care. Mom is now going to adult daycare a few mornings a week. While she is not happy about it right now (very upset, crying and scared), I believe over time she will get comfortable with the idea and feel safe (she does not feel safe unless she is right with my Dad). And, more importantly at this point, it will give my Dad a much needed break. He will be able to rest, visit friends… or hit a bucket of balls.

I dread the next steps my Dad will have to take. Having to face the decisions he has ahead are so difficult. His life partner who has been with him through life to help make those hard decisions is gone. He is left alone to decide. What is best? When is it time? I can not imagine the struggle.

To be in another state is both a blessing and a big burden. The blessing is that I am able to remove myself from the realities of what is happening to my Mom most of the time. It hits me in waves… like the time a few months ago, I called when she was having a really rough night. Or when Dad said he was actually going through with the daycare thing. I was in tears. That is my Mom. But I am not around to see the day to day struggles, and that is a blessing.

The burden is not being able to help… even if it would be just bringing them meals a few times a week so Dad does not have to navigate the kitchen. The burden is not being able to visit Mom face to face when she was more with it. That time is gone. I think of things to ask, but the answers are lost inside her. Like the other day when my doctor asked what type of cancer her Dad died from. I think I remember, but if no one in my family can remember for sure, that information is gone forever.

It has been an interesting journey over the last five or so years. Sad, aggravating, funny and scary all at the same time. Scary because I see my future. My Mom, her sister and their Mom… my grandmother… all have/had Alzheimer's. I think about not remembering my kids and tear up. I think of my husband and all the funny little memories that only he and I share that will be gone. It is a horrible disease. And the thing about it - there is not a damn thing I can do to change my fate. If heart disease ran in our family, I could at least change my diet, take cholesterol medicine, etc… at least do something to know I did everything to help my fate. But beside the typical advice to exercise and eat well and take fish oil, there is nothing. That is scary.

So as my Mom comes full circle… needing help dressing, going to daycare with a snack schedule and a change of clothes… I will do my best to remember what is important in the circle of life. A place to be safe and loved. A place that memories are made not by things or busyness, but with time and engagement. I will hug my kids harder, turn off the TV, computer and unplug the darn iPhone more. I will spend time with Chief. I will make changes to our life so whatever time I have left to remember, whether it is 10 years, 25 or 50, I will have made the most of it. My family will be able to say well done.

Well done, Mom. I love you.

Back to School

2011-10-05T07:49:00.000-07:00

Well, the kids have been back to school for a month and I am just getting around to this post. Yah. Ahh… it has been hectic to say the least.

Little Man is in 4's preschool at the same school and class. So his "back to school" was pretty uneventful. He has the same teachers he has had since last June. There are a group of new kids and he has done fairly well adjusting. He has good days and bad days. He has a really hard sharing his "show and share" toy so recently he has been "banned" from participating for awhile until he can demonstrate he can share. We will give a whirl in a few weeks.

We are still tackling his behavior issues going through good patches and rough ones. I texted a friend last week that we have been firmly in Holland for several days. It is hard to admit but I always dread walking into his school because I do not know how the day has gone. I breath a sigh of relief when I round the first corner and can see that Little Man is not in the director's office. Then I take a deep breath of relief if I do not have to sign an incident report. I did not really realize I felt that way until recently. It has been happening for a long time, but I did not recognize my thoughts where consistent each time I pulled up. Sad but true.

I am a work in progress. I fail miserably embracing all that makes up my Little Man. It pains me that I struggle with him in public. That pain makes me alter my plans so I do not have to deal with the frustration I feel and looks I receive. Some days I can embrace his challenges and hold my head high. Other days, I can not. A work in progress… still.

Lizard is in third grade. She is with two of her best buddies and loves her teacher. She has slide into the school year with almost no hiccups. And, what I love best about this year, is that I altered my morning schedule so I can take her to school. She and I drop off Little Man at preschool and then I drive her to school. We usually have about 10 minutes until she can go into school. So we wait in the car… just the two of us. Sometime we talk about serious stuff and other times we just kid around. I love it.

She is cheer leading at the football games. She loves it and maybe has finally found her thing. She is taking it seriously and we all have the cheers stuck in our head from her practicing at home. "Go Knights!" She is also signed up for basketball in the winter… all 45 pounds of her!

Soccer Girl is in 6th grade - a middle schooler! She really was not too nervous before school started, just wondering about the volume of homework in store for her. On the first day, I took the morning off and drove her to school. When I told her it was time to go, she said a very nervous "oh man" and looked at me with pleading eyes. But my big girl gathered up her stuff and took a deep breath, gave me a kiss and got out of the car. She walked with her head high into the school.

She has adjusted very well. I think the biggest adjustment has been the social activity… all the who likes who, who is mad at who now stuff. She has stayed away from it, but seems to like to be in the know. Luckily she will tell me who likes her, what so and so did or said. I pray that communication continues as the years pass.

So overall the start of the school year has been good. Just busy. I have an hour with Little Man before Lizard gets home, then an hour with the two of them before Soccer Girl arrives. Then typically we need to be at some activity within the next hour. It makes for very hectic weeks. Lots of quick dinners and not much down time. Our little family needs down time so we are trying to work that in and say no when we need to to get it. Like the other night, I had plans to go out to dinner with two good friends. It was a rough day - everyone yelling and fighting - so I bowed out of the dinner at the last minute and stayed with my family. It was the right thing to do.

Fanning the Fire

2011-08-22T16:04:00.000-07:00

How does one maintain the fire one gets from something you learn or desire to do? Like when you start a new exercise plan or a healthy eating kick… how do you maintain the fire to keep going after a few weeks? Or after feeling the sting of my impatience with my kids; the guilt I feel and the hurt on their faces… how do I maintain the daily patience and grace necessary to parent my children as they deserve to be parented?

What makes some people who receive devastating medical news completely change their lifestyle? And, why do some who receive the same type of news, do nothing to change their circumstances? Why after losing someone they love, do some really see what life is all about and live a life according but others do not.

I think it is human to slip back into old habits and old ways of reacting to things. I think it is easier to do that than the hard work of changing who you are, not matter how much you desire to be or do something different. It is a valid reason – we ARE afterall, human. But what is it exactly beyond that allows some to make lasting changes and others can not? Fear… laziness… lack of belief… poor self image… a strong faith… perseverance or lack there of… or maybe accountability?

I have many wonderful plans. I research, gain support (in my head or with others depending upon the plan), implement and even execute the plan. However, what I lack is follow through on many of those plans. I have had moments of follow through in my life… like sticking to my guns when I was a teenager despite much disappointment from my Dad when I did not want to continue with sailing lessons… Like losing 40 pounds about 5 years ago… like reading the bible last year.

A friend of mine mentioned how she has started using a journal in church to make notes on the sermon. She got this idea after reading the book Radical. I have not read the book… yet. But from our conversation she was talking about being a student; writing things down to remember and do something with that information – study, research more, think about - instead of just hearing and forgetting as the busyness of life gets in the way. I may not have remembered our conversation correctly, but hey, that is what I took away from it which has lead me to ponder things leading to this post.

I like the idea of being a student. I think I am good at that part, the studying and research part, the observation part. What I need to become is a fire builder, someone who does something with their knowledge. I went to college because it was always expected, that is just what you did. I went through the motions and graduated as expected. What I did not do in college is absorb. I did not gain a fire to do something with my knowledge. The funny thing about fire is that no matter how good a fire you build, not matter how much research you do on the best position of your logs to get air flow, no matter much it rages fast and hot in the beginning… if you do nothing to it, it will eventually burn out. The fire builder has to fan the flames, keep feeding it – do something to keep the heat and intensity.

That feeding, that fanning is what sets people apart. It is what moves some people to action for the long term burn, not just the hot fast action in the beginning of an idea or plan. That feeding is what is moving my friend to journal our sermons. It is that feeding that allowed me to lose weight without grumbling years ago. God has given me a brain to use, desires and a heart to do certain things. But ultimately it comes down to doing the work, taking action on my plans, knowledge and desires. It comes down to the having the faith that I can continue the hard work over the long haul. The most rewarding of things come from the hard work, not the planning. So I will build and I will feed my fire.

Faith can move mountains, but don’t be surprised if God hands you a shovel.

Author unknown.

When I Grow Up...

2011-08-01T19:02:00.000-07:00

You know the question you ask kids… “what do you want to be when you grow up?” The normal answers for my kids have been teacher, chef, firefighter, and as Little Man has said lately, a cement truck driver. All noble professions for sure. The trouble is, I can’t honestly answer that question now – at 43 years old.

I have been in human resources for well over 20 years. I kind of fell into this field. I started out of college with my “organizational communications” degree supporting a manager who handled HR and training for a company. Over the years, I have been blessed to learn from very smart managers who saw my potential and allowed me to do things above my actual years of experience. And, truth be told, I am good at it. I am trusted to advise management well and have a knack for managing information without bias very well.

But, here is the rub - I do not want to do this any more. I am tired of the employee relations issues (really tired of this!), having to re-has an issue with an employee again and benefits administration. I have seen my fair share of crazy stuff over the years (like the employees who were caught having ah, hmmm “relations” in a store in the wee morning hours and could not figure out why they were being terminated – they honestly said “the store was not open, so what is the big deal?” Hmmm, the big deal is a customer waiting for the bus outside the store saw you doing your thing ON THE CHECK STAND, that's why. Think about that the next time you plunk your purse down to pay for something – eeewww). Anyway, HR is not fulfilling to me. It is not challenging, humorous at times, but not challenging.

I find it fascinating that something I am good at is NOT satisfying. And the bigger rub is that I have no idea what else I want to do. I have tried to rack by brain thinking of what would fill me up. But I come up empty. We are not blessed with the option of me not working at all. I don’t have to work full time, but even if I did not have to work, I don’t know what else I would want to do.

I do know that I want more flexibility in my schedule. I do not want to rely on others to get my kids to their activities. This summer has been eye opening, humbling and guilt ridden. We are fortunate to having very loving friends who are more than willing to help out. Unfortunately, I hate asking for help when I believe, deep down, I should be the one do these things. I worry that the kids are safe and where they are suppose to be. I worry about the impact my absence has in my relationship with them and what I am missing.

So one thing has been decided – I will not work away from home by this time next year. While I need to find something to replace my income, the stress the job I started last October has created in our family, the impact on the kids and what I am missing, is not worth it. And to further spur our decision is the need for me to be involved in Little Man’s schooling when he starts Kindergarten next fall. I can not be an absentee-working parent. I need to know his teachers and be in the classroom and be known to the school administrators. We owe him that.

Some hard choices will have to be made over the next year. It will not be easy. And honestly, I am worried we will not be able to follow through on this decision. But I am more worried if we don’t.

Chief and I have had some heart felt discussion lately. What do we want for our family, each other, ourselves? What means the most to us. These discussions were triggered by watching the movie the Notebook. Oh my, if you haven’t watched this, grab a box of Kleenex and your husband and watch it. It is a true love story. This movie took on a special meaning for us since my Mom is struggling with Alzheimer’s. I think for the first time, I could see the impact this disease may have on my relationship with my husband. And how it is so important to make the most of the days you are blessed with. While I may have many days, I don’t know that I will remember all of them given my family history. The memories we make and impact I have on my children are a gift, and I don’t want to waste it working in something that does not bring me joy just to pay some stupid Visa bill.

Back in Holland Again Today

2011-07-12T18:38:00.000-07:00

I am not sure how I feel about this. Today Little Man had a teacher with him one on one all day at preschool. He moved up to the 4's room at the end of June. He is learning to navigate the big boy room even though he had spent some time in the 4s room over the last 8 months.

Little Man is very impulsive, especially in public situations and around other kids. He angers very quickly and has trouble keeping his hands to himself and responding appropriately when he is not pleased with someone else or something. Miss K talked to me about what she did with him and how he responded (he did well with lots of encouragement) and I told her how much he likes to ne a helper. She let me know he had to go the Director's office, Miss T (not his first time). Miss K also told me he is incredibly smart for his age (kind of freaky smart - my words, not hers); which is something I have been told by many people. Overall it was a good discussion and reaffirmed for me that he is in the right place and appreciated for who he is, while being guided properly.

I felt compelled to let her know he has two older sisters (she said she would have guessed he had older brothers). She told me Miss T let her know we are aware of the issues he has and that we are working on his anger. I felt compelled to let her know we have been working with a pediatric behaviorists. I guess I was trying to tell her we are not rookie parents coddling an out of control, mean child. I was trying to justify my parenting and express to her that we understand the challenges.

After never having any major behavior/parenting issues with the girls, this is a very humbling place to be. Tears stung my eyes as we left the building. As my blond hair boy bounced happily to the car, I was holding back tears and looking up and crying out in my heart "why." It is very troubling to me that a preschool age child, MY preschool age child… MY little boy… needed one on one guidance for the bulk of his five hour day at school. This is not a daily occurrence. But for it to occur at all crushes me… angers me... humbles me… and leaves me pondering Little Man's 14 or so years of schooling ahead of us.

I know Little Man is made perfectly. It is me who needs to adjust my thinking, my perceptions, my expectations. It is me who needs to appreciate him for who he is and what he can show me through these challenges. There is a story that runs through my mind at times like this. It is a reminder to me that if I am constantly justifying myself, joking about his behavior to shadow my embarrassment in public and not embracing him for who he is all the time, not just when he is sweet; I will miss out on so much. I don't want to miss out.

Here is the story…

Welcome to Holland by Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability- to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this…

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip -to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.” "Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around… and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills… and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandt's.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy…and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss.

But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely hings …about Holland.

Leaving

2011-06-27T16:05:00.000-07:00

One of my very dear friends just moved away… for good. We have known each other for about 7 years and we have become very good friends in the last few years. I have never really had a friend move away, even as a kid. I grew up in one house, in one town. And, most of my friends did too. In college you expect people to go their own direction and “leave” after school, either to return to their home towns or take a job somewhere else. My best friend from college went on to graduate school while I got a job. We are still in touch (she is even coming to visit this summer!) but we have never really lived near each other (unless you count our dorm rooms). So this is really the first time someone I am close to has left.

It is strange. I am excited for my friend's new adventure and what it means for her family and her personally. But honestly, I am nervous and sad. Nervous that our GNO group will fall apart… that I will not continue to challenge myself to grow in my faith… that I won’t have someone to give me an honest perspective on Little Man and his challenges… that I won’t be connected as much… that I won’t have someone who wants to get together with me and my kids. And I am sad that she will not be in my life on a regular, personal basis. She is a Facebook friend, but it is just not the same.

I know I am responsible for my own growth and for making and keeping friends. But my friend is really good about finding something for me to step up to (reading the bible in a year, memorizing verses, reading, having a conversation on a deeper level than just “kid talk,” etc.). Something of these things I would never do on my own. My friend steps out to make play dates and initiates getting together with people. She is the first one to call (or text actually!). I love doing those things, but I do not take the initiative. I guess I make the assumption the other person does not really want to get together and is just being nice or they are too busy with their own lives. I am afraid with my friend not prompting me, I will shrink back into my little world because I am not stepping out. And I am a little angry at myself for not taking her example and being more responsible for my own connections to people and growth.

So, I am going to honor my friend:

I will be the person who initiates things.

I will be the person to read for the pure pleasure of reading, despite the distractions of life.

I will be the person to get involved in things that mean something to me on-my-own, without being asked.

I will be the person to keep our GNO group organized.

I will be the person to organize the book club several of us have talked about.

I will be the person who, in the heat of the moment with Little Man, will remember my friend’s words.

I will do these things, not because she wants me to.

I will do these things because she helped me discover that I want these things.

So my friend, cheers to your next chapter. I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you.

friend, faith builder, reality check and tequila shots

You mean the world to me.

Marriage

2011-06-17T21:30:00.000-07:00

I have come across the topic of marriage from many different directions over the last few weeks. I posted about being on guard with my own marriage and how I want to protect it. That very same day, I read this post at We are THAT Family. I think this post is a beautiful summary of what I want my kids to know about marriage and what it means to be committed. What is God telling me with all these prompts?

And, if you haven't read Kristin over at We are THAT Family, you should. She is one of my daily reads… very insightful, challenging, funny and honest.

Pasta Salad

2011-06-08T12:20:00.000-07:00

I found this recipe here a few years ago. I made it for my niece's high school graduation party and it was a big hit. I just made it again this passt weekend for our Girl's Night Out group wine tasting day lunch. Again it was a hit. I adapted the recipe a bit from the original. It is super easy, but you do need to start it the day before so it can sit overnight. It is a great party salad because it is not a mayo based pasta salad so it can sit out. Enjoy!

Antipasto Pasta Salad - Serves 12

1 pound pasta shells (I use bow tie)
1/4 pound salami, chopped
1/2 pound Asiago cheese, diced
1 (6 oz) can black olives, drained and chopped
1 red bell pepper, diced
1 orange bell pepper, diced
2 tomatoes, seeds removed, chopped
1 (.7 oz) package of dry italian-style salad dressing mix
3/4 cup extra virgin olive oil
1/4 cup balsamic vinegar
2 tbsp. dried oregano
1 tbsp. dried parsley
1 tbsp. grated Parmesan cheese
salt and pepper to taste

1. Cook the pasta until al dente. Drain, and cool under cold water.

2. In a large bowl, combine the pasta, salami, Asiago cheese, black olives, bell peppers and tomatoes. Stir in envelope of dressing mix. Cover and refrigerate overnight. (the original recipe says you can refrigerate for an hour, but I have never done that).

3. To prepare the dressing, whisk together the olive oil, balsamic vinegar, oregano, parsley, Parmesan cheese, salt and pepper. Taste the dressing to make sure the flavor is right; I have added more balsamic so it is not too olive oily. Pour over pasta mixture, stir to coat well.

On Guard

2011-06-03T10:24:00.000-07:00

A few weeks back I was talking to someone about the divorce statistic like one in five couples end up in divorce. Don’t quote me on the statistic, I haven’t Googled it or anything; but it is something like that. I said you look around our neighborhood and of the 70 or so homes; divorce has had to impact some of them. At the time, I didn’t know of anyone. I speculated in my mind who might be “one” of the five (purely based on rumor or speculation). Well yesterday, the “one” was identified. A neighbor’s house around the corner had a new For Sale sign out front. Another neighbor’s daughter happened to be in the car with us when we saw the sign. When I commented on the sign, she said they were getting a divorce (according to her mother who knows the family). What a life changing event. The mom has gone back to work, the kids have lost their stablility, the Dad is not involved on a day to day basis… now they are losing their family home. I do not know them well other then an occasion wave or quick conversation. But, my heart just aches for the two of them and their kids.

Just yesterday I ran into another statistic on the internet that about 65% of divorces are not the plate throwing messy splits your read about. That 65% of divorces are because the couple just fell out of love, had a mediocre marriage or just drifted apart and wanted different things.

These few promptings really have put on me how much I need to guard my own marriage. Chief and I have a wonderful marriage. He is my best friend and can make me laugh like no one else. We work well together… we can bounce ideas off each other and usually come up with a good plan. My heart still skips when I think of him; not every time (heck we have been married for 14 years), but it does still skip! But, with the busyness of life, I think we take for granted how well we like each other and we take for granted that we will always like each other. If we do not guard against the distractions of the world, we could wake up to find we are the “one in five”; not the plate throwers (I will want to take my dishes with me!), but one of the 65% that just drifted apart.

Disclaimer: Our marriage is not in trouble! Please don’t read this as a foreshadowing of an impending divorce. Far from it. We have a wonderful relationship… not without bumps like any marriage… but a wonderful one. This has just got me thinking that divorce could happen to anyone (even to those that say divorce is not an option) if you do not guard yourselves and your relationship.

Ok back to my thoughts… So as Chief and I celebrate our 14^th wedding anniversary in a few days, I am going to guard my marriage. I am going to protect what we have. I am going to put our relationship on the top of the list and I am going to edit things out to be able to do that. My marriage is a precious gift to me. I love you Chief.

Editing

2011-05-20T13:53:00.000-07:00

I ran across an article today in my travels on the internet at work. For the record, I was looking for something work related, but you know how you click once or twice and then you are off track. But once in awhile, you click on a gem… like today. Here is the link to the article. Oh, and I did forward to our management team so it became work related.

The article talks about Steve Jobs' advice to new Nike CEO, Mark Parker. “Do you have any advice?” Parker asked Jobs. “Well, just one thing,” said Jobs. “Nike makes some of the best products in the world. Products that you lust after. But you also make a lot of crap. Just get rid of the crappy stuff and focus on the good stuff.” Parker said Jobs paused and Parker filled the quiet with a chuckle. But Jobs didn’t laugh. He was serious. “He was absolutely right,” said Parker. “We had to edit."

Parker used the word ‘edit’ not in a design sense but in the context of making business decisions. Editing also leads to great product designs and effective communications. According to Steve Jobs, “People think focus means saying yes to the thing you’ve got to focus on. But that’s not what it means at all. It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas that there are. You have to pick carefully. I’m actually as proud of the things we haven’t done as the things I have done. Innovation is saying ‘no’ to 1,000 things.” {quoted directly from the article}.

Obviously that is amazing advice in the business world. But I pondered all morning how that advice applies to life in general. Do I edit my life so I can focus on quality? Hmmm, no. Would I have courage to edit so I could focus? Maybe.

This will be a topic I will continue to ponder. And maybe blog about some more as I come to some conclusions. Hmmm, editing...

Ranch Quesadillas

2011-05-16T15:36:00.000-07:00

Here is a quick and tasty dinner idea. Lizard and I were watching food tv and Melissa d’Arabian’s Ten Dollar Dinners (Lizard loves to cook and this lady has great, easy ideas!). A commercial of sorts came on with D’Arabian featuring Hidden Valley Ranch salad dressing ideas. Lizard and I saw this and both thought yum. And we tried it a few days later and yum is right!

Ranch Quesadillas

Flour or corn tortillas

Grated cheese of choice

Ranch salad dressing

Cooked chicken, diced

Veggies diced/grated (spinach, zucchini, corn, carrots… whatever you have on hand)

Mix the ranch dressing with the grated cheese being careful not to add too much dressing. Spread some of the cheese mixture on a tortilla. Add chicken and veggies. Top with another tortilla. Brown in skillet, flipping once, until cheese is melted and veggies and chicken are heated through. Remove from pan and cut into wedges. Yum!

God's Hands

2011-05-13T20:26:00.000-07:00

We are in a very rough stretch with Little Man. Very rough. We had a good stretch for awhile, but the last few months have been deteriorating and the last few weeks have been bad. We are truly at a loss how to parent him through this. Calls are being made and a plan of attack is underway. We can not continue this way. I can not. He can not. It is affecting him deeply - you can see it in his eyes. It is impacting our family. I am pissed, sad, exhausted, frustrated and feel guilty most of the time. That is no way to live. I can only imagine the emotions he is feeling.

He and I said prayers last night and asked God to help him make good decisions. We talked about when he gets mad at school or home to close his eyes and ask God to help him. And this morning when I asked him what he could do when he gets mad, he said “pray to God.” We said another prayer this morning while he was eating breakfast. And guess what? Little Man had a better morning today. He only had a few minor blow ups and only punched Lizard a few times, but he was able to get himself under control. And he did not argue about the toys I said he could not take to school. He got himself in the car and was generally happy.

For some reason we were downstairs early this morning so we had extra time. I even commented to the girls – why are we all so early this morning? On the way to drop Little Man off at school, my neighbor texted me saying she was going to request that Lizard and her daughter be placed together next year and asked if that was ok? I texted her back and said I wanted to do the same thing. Well guess what? The form was due today and I had no idea… I knew it was coming up and had thought about requesting that the girls be together. But not being in the school very much now that I am working more, I am out of the loop and miss stuff. Her text came at just the right time. Since we were early this morning, I had time to go to the school, find the form, get it turned in and still got to work on time.

Ok, how can I not think God had His hands in the events of this morning? We truly went to Him in prayer last night and He worked things out to take care of our kids today… Little Man with his issues (at least for this morning) and Lizard to help foster her friendship with our neighbor. One that is very good for her.

Now, some might say I am a Jesus freak, but I tell you… I can not miss that things go better when I pray. I found my wedding ring about 1 minute after I FINALLY said a prayer… when I finally prayed about all the mud slinging that recently occurred, I felt better. Things happen and God is beside me when I pray. Pretty hard for anyone to miss that today.

The road with Little Man is going to be long, but at least for a little while today, I could see hope.

The High Road

2011-05-09T16:09:00.000-07:00

When someone you love is wrongly accused of something it is very difficult to take the high road.

Chief volunteers for a sports board here in town out of his love for the game. Through a long chain of events, through decisions made by a board of six people (Chief was one of six board members and for the record, the initial decision was one he did not advocate for), some very nasty things were "said" by some parents. Instead of questioning the decision that was made, which is perfectly reasonable, a few parents resorted to flinging mud. They accused the board of having an agenda and working for 10 months to accomplish that agenda. I honestly felt like I was back in high school. And what made the whole situation so hurtful was that the parents that flung mud knew the members of the board personally. Interestingly, what was "said" was through the safety and distance of email... not one person had the nuts to say their accusations in person. Chief told me in the mist of the initial mud slinging that he knows what he did and why he did the things he did, so the nasty comments did not mean much to him. Wow. How is that for the high road?

Through it all, I have stayed on the high road... at least in the public eye. But let me tell you, I have flung mud and wallowed on the low road behind closed doors. It is too long a story to tell and really not worth the time or effort to retell. As time has passed, I have learned it really does not matter. I have learned that my issues are not with a lot of people, just a few so I can keep things in perspective. And while I won't forget who threw the mud so quickly at my husband (and indirectly our family), I know God knows the situation, he knows the people involved and will judge all accordingly.

My first reaction was not to pray through this. But over the last few weeks I have. And, I have some peace over the situation. I will continue to walk with my eyes on the high road and maybe a little wiser... I know I will eye-ball the low road though (who am I kidding). But I will pray that God helps keep me off it.

I thought of this ..."When you sling mud at people, some will inevitably stick to you." I know all this is more of a reflection on the other people, but… it still hurts. And, another piece of advice... do not ever say anything in email that you are not willing to say to someone in person.

I Think I am Part of the "Club"

2011-04-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

I was at a birthday party with Little Man for one of his little friends from preschool. The other moms were all there because you can’t just drop off 3 and 4 years olds and have a few hours to yourself like you can with an 8 or 11 year old! As I was driving there, I was secretly hoping I could just drop Little Man off (he was with his preschool teacher after all – it was her daughter’s birthday) and head to TJ Maxx for some retail therapy, but no such luck! Anyway, as we were sitting around chatting in between juice box spills, one mom asked me “don’t you have an older daughter?” When I said I have an 11 year old daughter and another daughter who is almost 8, several of the moms, not just the one that had asked, said “oh” and “wow.” I even heard an audible in take of breath from several of them.

Thinking back as a mom of just a toddler and maybe a newborn, when I saw those moms that had older kids, they seemed like members of another “club” that I could not belong to. I only knew about the cost per diaper, feeding schedules and when my child hit the milestones versus the “What to Expect” books. They knew something I did not. They had the wisdom of years of parenting that you do not know when your kids are young. I think the oldest child any of the moms at the party had was 4 years old.

I guess in other people’s view, I am part of the “club” of older-wiser parents… or maybe they are shocked by the age span of my kids… or maybe I am just old and they can’t fathom how someone my age can parent a preschooler all the way up to an almost middle school-er? LOL. Whatever it is, I definitely felt the eyes of the others moms. I have always been the older parent in my circle of friends. I was one of the oldest moms when Soccer Girls was in preschool. I am the oldest in my Girls Night Out group of friends. It makes sense, Chief and I did not get together until I was 28 years old; I was 32 when I had Soccer Girl. Heck a girl I went to high school with has a 22 year old son! So, I did get started late in comparison to many. But wait, I do not have teenagers yet so I can't be that wise. But I guess in the party setting this weekend, I was the wise old parent, at least from their perspectives.

I do not feel like the wise parent, per say. I feel a different type of parenting wisdom, one I could not imagine as a newer mom. It is wisdom from worry that we only have 7 more years with Soccer Girl at home. S-E-V-E-N. A lot of my friend’s kids are all under the age of about 7! It is a wisdom that comes from the discussions with our tween girl, who is wise beyond her years, which stop us in our tracks at times. It is wisdom from trying to help Lizard find her own way as she navigates behind her older sister who seems to have it all and her cute little brother. And it is wisdom from trying to help Little Man learn the basics of life and how to channel his energy in a positive way.

Those are all very different types of mothering; very different types of worry and very different types of mental exhaustion. And they are all going on at the same time. Maybe that is what people see. I still have a foot in the little kid world but with a foot planted firmly in the older kid world. Whatever it is, I think I am part of the “club” and I am honored to be here. Even if I am only really a junior member!

Little Man'isms

2011-04-10T18:12:00.000-07:00

I have to write these down so I do not forget…

Little Man said today when he sneezed, "Bless myself."

Then when he was putting on his clothes to go jump on the trampoline he asked me, "Do I look not naked?"

And my crazy Little Man ate a dill pickle covered in lemon juice and ranch dressing. Yuck. He informed us when we were all grossed out that "it is not good to all of you, but it is good to me."

Love that guy!

God Told Me to Do It

2011-04-09T19:12:00.000-07:00

So the other night, I look into the family room and Soccer Girl has a garbage can and it trimming the hair on all of their Barbie Dolls. I am watching this wondering why the heck she is doing this and envisioning all the hair on my carpet. So I ask my oldest, “Soccer Girl, why are you cutting all the Barbie’s hair?” “God told me to do it,” she replied with a sly grin.

Now, my oldest was being funny. But the irony of that response was not lost on me. I had just returned from our church’s women’s weekend retreat only a few hours before. The theme of the weekend was Be Still (Be still and know that I am God Psalm 46:10). The speaker, Pam Vrederbelt, spoke to us about how when we slow down and take the time to listen, God will speak to us. She did not mean He would necessarily speak audibly. He will speak in the thoughts that surface in our minds, the scriptures we read and the ideas that present themselves. She encouraged us to pay attention to that voice…that whisper. And the more we listen, the more we will hear.

I have talked about getting a two by four between the eyes before here and here. Those moments were not lost on me. God was speaking to me and it was pretty clear. What I am not so good about is taking time routinely to stop and listen in my daily life. I am not so good about paying attention to the simple, little nudges I get. When you do not slow your mind down enough to even notice the nudge, it is very hard to determine where that nudge is coming from. Are those nudges from God? Or is it something some random person said… something I want… something I saw on TV… or an idea from a friend? The speaker talked about verifying those nudges and whispers against scripture, with friends who know God, etc. Then when you have verified that the nudge is from God, take a leap of faith and act on it. God has something in store for you.

Soccer Girl had no idea what I had just heard and experienced over the previous three days. She did not know I have been thinking about listening to God. So while her response appeared tongue in cheek, maybe God planted some seed in her mind, some nudge. Maybe He did tell her cut their hair? Maybe He told her to joke with me to send me a nudge to listen and act of the nudges He gives me.

Memory Verses #2

2011-03-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

The two memory verses for March are:

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Romans 3:23-24

The Lord is my chosen portion, and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places, indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. Palms 16:5-6

I have not memorized them yet. Since it is nearing the end of March, I'd better get going. I am proud to say I still have February's verses memorized. Our March GNO is on Tuesday… I need a drink so I'd better get to memorizing!

The Invisible Women

2011-03-24T17:00:00.000-07:00

That is exactly what has been gnawing at me. I feel invisible. I have labeled it lately to Chief as feeling ignored… invisible.

Nicole Johnson is an author, performer and motivational speaker. She creates skits to portray women and their struggles and challenges. I saw her once at the Women of Faith conference and she was wonderful. While I did not see this skit in person, I have seen it in the past and it resonated with me then. But, I it just resonated with me big time. I know it is not a coincidence I ran into it again now. Take six minutes and watch.

I have wanted acknowledgement that raising three kids is hard and I am underappreciated. It is a great sacrifice to be a parent. It is an honor to be my children’s mother. And, yes it is underappreciated in the day to day moments of mothering. It is a thankless job. I think intellectually most people know these things when they become a parent. Any parent would sacrifice their life for their child. What is difficult is how that sacrifice plays out in the day to day walk of everyday life… the homework monitoring, the struggle to clean the house, the soccer practice routine, the paper hoarding of a seven year old, and the dents in the wall from thrown toys.

Where I have steered off the path is that I should not expect thanks. It is not my children’s job to pat me on the back and say thanks for doing their laundry. It is my job let them know in everything I do that they are loved no matter what, regardless of the thanks or acknowledgement I get. My selfishness will not accomplish that. My responsibility is to build the best people I can… build the character of these little people entrusted to me… all without thanks, acknowledgment or atta boys.

On Nicole’s website freshbrewedlife.com and in the video, she speaks of a book about the great cathedrals. After reading the book the following four life-changing truths emerged and after which she would pattern her work [of raising children]:

1. No one can say who built the great cathedrals – we have no records of their names
2. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished
3. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit
4. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything

She goes on to say “As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re doing it right. And one day it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, [but] at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.”

I do not want a record of what I have done and I do not want credit. I want my kids to come home.

Are Socks Really That Good?

2011-03-23T15:42:00.000-07:00

The other morning when I went to let the dog out of the garage and give him his breakfast, I noticed Boomer had thrown up. When I scanned the garage I noticed TWO adult size socks wadded up amongst some other throw up. The dumb dog ate two socks! Really? What possess a dog to eat socks? It is not like they are flavorful meaty tidbits. They are dry and most likely covered in dog hair since they were left in the garage. Gross.

Thankfully he threw them up before they got caught in his intestines. And he happily ate his breakfast. But, I can only hope that there is nothing else lurking in his belly that would force us to go to the vet. This is the same dog that had to have ear surgery twice last summer for a hematoma (swelling in the floppy part of his ear)… both of which did not correct the problem. He now has one ear that is shorter than the other and if you feel the tip of the ear, it is rock hard from “cauliflower ear”… but with his fur covering the ear, most people don’t notice. It honestly makes him cuter since he is a little lopsided.

I have joked with people that he exhausted his lifetime emergency vet care budget with the ear escaped last summer. I am joking, but what would we really do it he did needed surgery to removed socks from his belly? I honestly don’t know. With pets come responsibility, I know. But if I have to choose between my oldest daughter having braces, gluten-free food for Lizard and seeing a specialist for Little Man, or getting surgery for the dog…I will choose my kids. So Boomer, please don't eat anything else, ok?

School Fuel - Yum!

2011-03-10T09:38:00.001-08:00

A friend of mine who's son is on a gluten free diet shared this recipe with me. Yummy!! Even if you do not have to be on gluten free diet (which we are for Lizard's tummy issues) these are worth making.
Chex School Fuel (Gluten Free)
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
6 tablespoons butter
3 tablespoons light corn syrup
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
4 cups Corn Chex cereal
4 cups Rice Chex cereal
1/4 cup semisweet chocolate chips
I used a combo of Chex Cinnamon cereal and Chex Honey Nut cereal. My friend adds in Chex Chocolate cereal too!

Cover a cookie sheet with max paper. In large microwavable bowl, microwave brown sugar, butter and corn syrup uncovered for High for 1-2 minutes, stirring after 1 minute, until melted and smooth. Sir in baking soda until dissolved. Stir in cereal.

Microwave on High 3 minutes, stirring each minute Spread on cookie sheet to cool, about 10 minutes. Break into bite-size pieces.

In microwaveable bowl, microwave chocolate chips uncovered on High about 1.5 minutes or until chocolate can be stirred smooth. Drizzle chocolate over snack. Refrigerate about 30 minutes or until chocolate is set. Store in airtight container.

Be Still

2011-03-08T18:11:00.000-08:00

A friend posted “be still” on Facebook yesterday. I so needed to hear that. “Be still, and know that I am God…” Palms 46:10

What does that mean really? To me, it means shut up and let God worry about it. To me it means, I can worry all I want, but it won’t change the plan. It means that I have yet to fully believe God has it handled.

I have been feeling overwhelmed, inadequate and just plain tired. I basically feel like I am not doing anything very well. Negative thoughts run through my head and I have a “poor me, look how hard I have it” attitude that is spilling out to my family in a not so nice way. I worry that my kids will hate me… how to manage Lizard’s six month gluten free diet… that my husband will finally chuck me to the curb because I can’t seem to get it together… that Little Man will stop asking me to play with him if I tell him too many times “not right now”… that my house will crumble around us because we do not ever do the maintenance you should do on an eight year old house… and Soccer Girl needs braces… and Lizard has a cavity… I need a crown and probably carpal tunnel surgery… hmmm, can I just get off the ride for awhile? I am physically tired, I mean really tired. My brain can’t do it all.

How do people do it? How can they be still? How do you actually turn your worries over to God. My problems are minor in comparison to what some go through. It should be easy for me to be still. But it is not. It feels like I should just handle my own woes myself and quit bellying aching to God; God should spend his time on those with the big things (cancer, death, no food to eat). But, I know that is not what God wants or what the bible says.

So I will continue to work on being still. Our women's retreat is coming up in April. Guess what the theme is?… Being still.

I Do Not Need the Pressure

2011-03-02T16:22:00.000-08:00

So Little Man had a rough day yesterday… so rough I had to sign an incident report for four separate situations… not one or two, but four. All in one day. Neat.

He was apparently so excited over certain activities, he pushed a friend over, flat on their back with feet in the air… three times. No reason other than he was excited and could not control his hands. And then he and another child were having issues… the other little guy was hitting and my Little Man was mad and threw a chair at the other kid. Fabulous.

His teacher had the appropriate discussion with him, I spoke to his teacher about what happened and we talked to Little Man about what he did as well. Several times, I might add. We reminded him this morning about being kind, keeping our hands to ourselves and all the stuff you are suppose to teach your kids.

When I picked Drew up today from school, in his backpack was an apology letter from his friend that hit him telling Little Man he was sorry for hitting and that he would keep his hands to himself. It was obviously written by the child's parent, but Little Man's friend did sign his name.

Apology letters are a great learning tool. Even my girls have written a few in their day. At first, I felt horrible that I did not have Little Man "write" a note to his friend… throwing a chair could be viewed as worse than hitting. Then I thought about it and decided that apology notes in preschool are over the top. The whole point of an apology note is the learning moment for the child and for them to understand how their actions impact others. While it does also serve as a notice to the other parent that the offending act has not been sweep under the mat, it is the child's apology, not mine. Honestly, I think for 3-4 year olds, the point is lost.

So while I maybe should have done more to demonstrate to other parent it has been addressed, he is in preschool for pete's sake. It seems like society is pushing things on kids younger and younger. Your child better show up to kindergarten KNOWING their letters or your child is considered behind. Your 3.5 year old had better sit quietly while watching his sister swim or you get the eye rolling and whispers. You better expose your kids to every sport known to man and push them hard at a young age or they will not get a college scholarship.

I have high expectations of my kids and push them to be the best little people they can be, but frankly, I do not need the pressure and neither do my kids. I am confident Little Man will be writing his fair share of apology letters. But I will ensure he writes the note and means it, not me.

Memory Verses #1

2011-02-17T13:40:00.000-08:00

Therefore, As God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:12-13

Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. 1 John 3:18

These are the two memory verses I am tackling for 2011. Pretty good ones, I'd say. A dear friend of mine, J, and I are learning them together. J always challenges me to grown, learn and dig deeper. What's amazing about her is she is not judgemental in any way. If I show up next week and do not have them memorized, J won't judge me. She may razz me, actually I know she will. But she will never judge. She will question me about why I didn't memorize them… digging to help uncover what lies beneath the excuses I use. Her questions would only be to help me grow and to problem solve why I could not or did not get them committed to memory. How could you not love a friend like that?

We both have a running list of verses we would like to memorize. I cam e with my list and J had hers. My list was focused on ones that help me live my daily life; kind of reminders for living a Godly life. Her list was more biblical truths or the basics of the bible. God's truth. I thought the differences in our list was very interesting. She suggested learning some of the verses that are basic biblical truth, such as "For God so loved the work, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life" (John 3:16). She said you want to know those so if all the entire bibles in the world were taken away, I would still have the basics of my faith. I never thought of memorizing verses that way. I like the idea that the truths will be "deep-rooted" in me. That is a faith challenge few could ignore. Yes… my friend rocks!

And I think some of the ladies from our GNO group might join us in memorizing verses this year as well. We read though the bible last year, so why not memorize verses together too. J thought is could be the "ticket" to allow us to attend the monthly GNO… no verse memorized = no entrance! How is that for accountability? Everyone would be able to attend of course, we are not that hard core, but the pressure just might keep me accountable.

So I will posting my memory verses as I tackle them as a record of what ones I have done. This will a place for me ponder that I have memorized, why the verse was important to me or J and what I have learned.

Maybe my slogan for 2011 should be "Will Memorize for Wine!" LOL

God's Big Screen

2011-02-11T16:44:00.000-08:00

A friend posted something on Facebook the other day about how we should live our lives as if we were movie stars with God as the paparazzi. Now there is a thought. One could argue that movie stars are not always the model citizens or ones that we should look to pattern our lives after. But if I lived my life like someone was always watching my actions, how would I behave differently?

Then someone commented on my friend's Facebook post, "The sad and scary truth is that we will all be shown the DVDs of our sins. I guarantee as fun as they "seemed" to be the first time around, [they] sure won't look as pretty on God's giant screen." Wow. I immediately thought of that scene in Monsters Inc. when Sully saw a video of himself scaring a child. He was shocked at how he appeared and what he was showing the world…. something completely opposite of his true self.

I feel that way. If my life where played for me on a big screen would I be shocked? I think I would be. What would I look like when I discipline my kids? What would I look like when I think I am so busy, I can't remember to send a note to a friend who has been on my mind? What would I look like when I make a choice out of convenience instead of out of pure service to another?

That comment about God's big screen hit me between the eyes. Someone is always watching me - God. He knows my motives, the thoughts running through my head. I have to say, I would not be proud to sit next to God and watch some of the things that play on my DVD.

Awhile back, I ran across a YouTube video by Francis Chan, that speaks to the idea. What will God say when I am standing before him?

I know God is trying to hammer an idea home to me. I have learned that when the same idea, verse, book suggestion or thoughts come up again and again, He is telling me something. I am listening.

My Walk

2011-01-19T22:24:00.000-08:00

Last week while surfing some of the blogs I follow, I came across a story of a 38 year old women in Denver, Joanne, who had a massive stroke. Her nine year old daughter found her. She is just now starting to come off the drugs that have kept her in a deep coma (essentially no brain activity) to help keep the swelling down in her brain (she also endured surgery to remove part of her skull to alleviate the pressure). Her husband has been posting on her blog. Her future is uncertain and they have no idea of the extent of her brain damage.

I have never read her blog before this. From reading through her posts, I am sorry I did not discover her sooner. I think I would have really enjoyed getting to "know" her through her writing. She seems to be a honest writer, loves Jesus and her kids. She seems to have a sense of humor and from her pictures, seems alive. She has written a few books so I just might have to add one or two to my 2011 reading list.

I have read about other heartbreaking events through the blogging world. Things that make you stop in your tracks and give thanks to God for the blessings in my life. But for some reason, I can not seem to stop thinking about her and what her family… her two young girls (9 and 12) and her husband must be going through. I can not imagine the emotional struggle they must be enduring. For some reason her story has hit a cord with me.

It is her age. 38. 38. That is five years younger than me. It is her girls. I have two of my own, not far from her daughter's ages. It is the suddenness. One minute she is running on her treadmill and the next minute her life has been forever changed. It is the sadness for her girls for the Mom they knew that is possibly gone forever, while still being here physically. It is an incredible sympathy for her husband and how his life partner was suddenly taken from him. It is all those things and probably lots more.

It has really made me think. How would I handle such an event? Are our "affairs" in order so that Chief could handle the day to day home management easily? I have heard more than once, that it is the logistics of a tragedy that are often the hardest to get a handle on intitially… What bills need to be paid? Where are the bills? What is the doctor's phone numbers? Does Chief have our friends phone numbers to call in an emergency to help with the kids? Where is our will? Where are our medical directives? Are they still accurate?

The other thing that has struck me much deeper than that, is my walk with Christ. I do not know if I would grow closer to God or run in the opposite direction. I am afraid to admit, I think I would run… or at least a slow mental walk away from Him… I think. I think I would get so stuck on the "why" of it, I would not see past the hurt, emotion and loss.

Friends of ours were involved in a car accident five years ago. Their oldest daughter who had just turned seven died and her Mom, my friend, was severely injured. I turned closer to God at that time. The only thought I had was "there has to be some purpose for this" and only God could answer what that was. I still do not know and will never know until I reach heaven. It was during that time that I "cried" out to God to let my friend come back to her family. I was sitting in her hospital room watching her sleep, listening to the moans and cries for help of a patient down the hall. It was a short prayer in my head but so direct I remember exactly what I "said" to God. He heard me. That was the only time I have truly felt his presence. God was in that room with me. I have felt peace from God other times and said many heartfelt prayers, but that is the one time He was present with me.

That gives me some comfort to know that I was not angry with God in that situation. But, while I was close to my friend, I did not lose my daughter. I did not "lose" my husband to a massive stroke. I pray that if ever faced with something like that personally, I would feel God's presence. I am afraid that one never knows until you personally are in that situation. Joanne's husband wrote a very thought provoking post about this very subject that I think is worth reading. I pray that I could honestly write such a post if I were in his shoes.

Last spring during bible study there was a discussion on walking with God during the plateaus in your life so that when you are in a valley you turn to Him. I am not sure my daily walk would get me through the valleys, especially a long valley. I want it to.

My challenge is to grow in my relationship with God so I know without a doubt I would not run if tragedy struck. My challenge is to do the work it takes to be in a relationship, not just attending church. People have told me to write down the times you know God is working in your life so you can recall them when you are in the valley. Good advice. I guess a blog is a good place for that.

Hello 2011

2011-01-03T20:36:00.000-08:00

Another year is here… 2011. It is unbelievable how fast last year went. I really understand now how people would tell you how fast life will go by as you get older. They were not kidding.

2010 saw my oldest turn eleven and really hit the swing between being a kid and a young lady; my middle one now really reads and took a stand that she is not going to play soccer. And, my littlest guy started preschool with much more success that we anticipated. Chief was able to leave a horrible job that he had for 2.5 years and start one that he loves; and one where they appreciate his talents and expertise. I started another part time job to help ease the household budget. All in all it was a good year.

I am here to report I succeed in two of the three goals I set for 2010. I officially started my photography business. I had a great time photography families and loved doing five senior picture shoots. And, I guess I can say it is a full-fledged business since I got paid for all those jobs. I also accomplished reading the bible in a year, finishing at 8 p.m. on New Year’s Eve – nothing like a deadline to motivate me. I, however, failed miserably at losing 35 pounds. I guess two out of three is not bad.

My goals for 2011 are:

1. Get healthy. That involves losing weight for sure, but more important than that, is reclaiming some energy. Trying to be less crabby and more engaged in whatever I am doing. To me, that is healthy. I want to be a woman who glows from the inside; the one who is engage, active and healthy.

2. Learn to knit. My grandmother knit… a lot. She would make complicated fisherman knit sweaters and also knit little stocking caps to give to the nursery at her local community hospital. She always made red and green ones at Christmas time. That just makes me smile. I do not want to set the knitting world on fire, just learn a basic stitch or two.

3. Read more. My brain needs activity and I love to read. I just do not make time for it and it is kind of hard to get lost in a book when you hear “Mom” literally every 4.3 minutes. But I will try.

My oldest daughter discovered my first gray hair on December 31^st and I discovered another one just this morning. What a way to ring in the new year, but at almost 43 (on Saturday!) I can not complain. I am definitely feeling older and more sentimental as time passes. I am just breathing in Little Man’s smell because his “being little” years are flying by. I can see our lives with teenagers, something I could not imagine a year or two ago. It is all good, but it is becoming crystal clear how important being engaged is to me and how important to be present in every moment.

So bring it on 2011 and may I remember these words every day and put them to practice.

The Claws are Ready

2010-12-14T14:55:00.000-08:00

I have been mulling this over in my brain for a few days so I decided to put it down. With Christmas season in full swing, the Christmas cards are arriving. It is wonderful to receive cards and greetings from friends down the street, far away friends and family friends from when we grew up.

One card we received had the usual greetings and well wishes. It also had some wonderful comments about the girls and how much of a pleasure they are. It also contained a comment about Little Man and how much of a challenge he is with the underlying message that he maybe is not as pleasant to be around. Knowing these people, I know logically the comment was benign and not meant to hurt… but it did, deeply.

My heart sunk with the thought that people have this view of my son. This is my underlying fear for Little Man… that people (family, friends, teachers, strangers) can not see past his behavior challenges to see the real soul that is there. He may not fit into everyone else's "proper little" 3.5 year old box, but that does not mean he should be written off or looked down on (or that we should be looked down on because we just can't seem to parent him properly to make him fit into some box or because someone thinks we have not taught him the word "no").

He is a soul that is smarter than most 3.5 year olds. He is a soul that is clever and funny. He is a soul that is very athletic. He is a soul that feels his emotions more than most. He is a soul that is strong in who he is. He is a soul that is not shy. He is a soul that is strong willed and stands by his position. He is a soul that cares for others. These are all qualities that most would argue will serve him well as an adult. I am learning as a parent that we should celebrate these characteristics instead of trying to squash them out of kids so they fit into some arbitrary box. My job as a parent is to create a box for him in today's society that fosters these qualities.

Little Man is a challenge, it is no secret. He has improved tremendously as he has gotten older. We are seeking expert advice in how to help him best. We are not idling sitting by watching and hoping things work out for the best. We are doing everything in our power to be the best parents to Little Man and doing what works for him. We are not parenting him based on what everyone else thinks we should or should not be doing with him.

After mulling this over and thinking things through, I am now just pissed. My bear claws are ready to swing at the first unfair comment or suggestion about how my little boy behaves or how we parent him. I know the view expressed in the card was colored by other people's opinions who have had very limited exposure to Little Man. It also hurts to know that our discussions over the years about Little Man's challenges, spoken in honesty and in moments of frustration, have colored people's view of him. And what hurts more is that view may not be changed, even with time, despite his best efforts or ours.

So my claws are sharpened and ready to defend my son. He is an amazing kid and I am sorry that some can not see past the surface; it is too bad because they are missing out.

Sweet

2010-12-08T16:28:00.000-08:00

Who knew how sweet my Girl's Night Out (GNO) time would be? A group of five or six friends began meeting once a month about a year and half ago. The group has grown to eight and we have already lost one friend when she and her family moved to Iowa. We miss you A!

It all started with a friend of mine asking me and one other person to start this group, we each then thought of one or two friends and here we are 1.5 years later. The only criteria was that those that joined the group attended our church. The focus was on friendship and helping each other grow in our faith.

These women have become dear friends that have made me laugh, think and grow in my faith. We don't spend our time with our noses in the bible and praying. We talk about our families, kids, work, parenting and some other fun topics that I will not mention here. Wink, wink. But the underlying theme to our time together, at least for me, is supporting one another and helping us grow spiritually and as women, wife and Moms.

Last year at our December GNO, we talked about reading through the bible in a year together. And, for those that completed it by December 31, 2010, we would be rewarded with a GNO weekend away...just us, with no kids or responsibilities. This has been one of the most challenging things I have done for my faith. I have read parts of the bible, but never the whole thing. It has been an act of discipline for sure… it is very hard to keep on schedule with "life" getting in the way. And, I have 1.5 months to read by the end of the month. But, I will get it done. I made the commitment to the group and to myself. I can not say I am retaining it all, especially now that I am under the gun. But, it has been such a great experience, good for my kids to see me reading my bible and so nice to read scripture for myself instead of relying on a bible study or sermon to guide me.

I would have NEVER done this on my own. I would have never stuck with it without these ladies (and the thought of the weekend away!). It is amazing what a group of women who's only common denominator was attending the same church. While we are all in somewhat of the same stage of life with our families and kids, we are all different ages (hmmm, and yes, I am the oldest the bunch), different family backgrounds, education, faith experiences, etc.

These women as so special to me and it has been exciting to see our friendships grow and how much deeper we can share things that matter to us. No one judges, no one tries to one up each other. We just listen, support, laugh and share. So refreshing in this day and age.

So GNOs… if you are reading this, know that you mean the world to me. God Bless.

SAHM vs. WPTAHSM

2010-12-03T08:00:00.000-08:00

Preface - This post is not a debate of the merits of being a working Mom or a stay at home Mom. Everyone makes their own decisions about what is best for themselves, their kids and their families. This are just my ramblings and not meant to offend, judge or sway anyone who may be in either camp.

I think it is safe to say that I am a working Mom now instead of a stay at home Mom, who works very part time. I guess I have to update my profile on my side bar some day. I am not sure how I feel about that… good in some ways and not so good in others.

I have gone from working one day a week for a total of about 7-10 hours for the last seven years to working five days a week for a total of about 27 hours. That is not full time by any means, but definitely those added hours have been an adjustment for the whole family.

The change has been a blessing on many fronts. First it has added income flow to the budget which has been very nice. It is nice to have some extra to decide what to do with. What a nice change. I think I can actually breathe just a little bit easier.

And the biggest blessing and one that was hidden from us when we made the decision, was how Little Man would benefit. He has truly done amazing. His new school is a perfect fit for him. They love him and see his unique talents. His class is smaller, more academically based and more structured which has served him well. He is very proud of all he accomplishes each day… writing letters, completing projects and learning bible based lessons. Just yesterday he was singing to himself in his raspy little boy voice, "God is good, God is good." Yes Little Man, he is! He other favorite is "Many, Many Blessings. Many, Many Blessings." While he is still having some behavior issues at school, he has done remarkably well with the transition.

The girls have struggled a little with the time that I am away now. They are having to manage themselves more and contribute more to the household duties. Those are all good things, but is has probably been more of an adjustment for them then I realized it would be. Overall, they are doing great though. They seem to get along well when they are together and have actually stepped up to the responsibility. Just yesterday, they decided on their own to dust, sweep, mop and vacuum the house. Their only assigned chore was to empty the dishwasher. Those are some good kids!

I guess the one that has had the hardest time transitioning is me. I want to be home, I like being home. And while I am not the best SAHM, I think it is so important. I posted about some of my struggles before. But, nonetheless, is makes me sad that I am not able to be home in that way any more.

It is funny… I think it is so important for my kids that I am home, knowing what is going on with them and that they are important and matter. But at the same time I also think it is important for kids to see their Mom work; doing something for herself and the family. I think kids need to know that the world does not revolve around them and their every need and interest catered to. The real world does not work that way and I think a false sense of entitlement can be created if Mom's are not careful. My kids have all benefited immensely from being in a positive daycare setting for many years; many kids miss out on that.

I guess after such a long time being mostly at home and doing most all the SAHM things, it is hard to think of myself any other way. What is ironic is that I have never been a full SAHM. I have always worked since I have had kids, from three days a week, to full time to one day a week. I am not sure why I have thought of myself as a SAHM all these years. But I have. A more accurate title for me over the years, and especially now, would be a WPTAHS or a Work Part Time at Home Some Mom. It is just hard to re-program my brain to view myself another way.

I feel out of the loop with friends. I have no time to myself without children around (this is the first year I was getting a little bit of time to myself when they were all in school, but is was very short lived). I still have all the responsibilities that I had before but less time to do it all in. And the biggest struggles is getting "it" all done without impacting the kids even more. Sigh.

Don't get me wrong. It is getting easier and I can not tell you how thankful I am that I am not working full time. I know I should be thankful and celebrate the fact that I seem to have the best of both worlds (did you hear the Hannah Montana song in your head there for a minute?). I have to start to recognize the benefits everyone is getting from this change and not focus so much on what everyone may be missing. Logically, I know I am not failing as a Mom by working more. I know that deep down, but it is struggle in my Mommy heart all the same.

Birthday Post

2010-11-30T20:46:00.000-08:00

My oldest child turned 11 last week. It is hard to believe I have been a Mom for over a decade. And even harder to believe is that my first born is so old. How can that be?

Soccer Girl is an amazing kid. She is wise beyond her years and always has been. She is my worrier… I have taken to calling her Wart, as in worry wart. She worries over us getting speeding tickets, over a sound she hears outside…she worries about being late anywhere we go. She Hates. Being. Late. While her worrying seems unreasonable at times, it is only because she cares.

She has a huge heart. Last year on our Christmas cards, I wrote that she has a "quiet heart" for God. She is my kid who silently prays when we see a homeless person or upon hearing about someone who has been hurt or is sick. She prays for her friends and family that do not know Jesus and worries (again my wart) that they will not be in heaven with her. I could certainly take a lesson or two from her.

I am so proud of her. She is a good student, a good friend and a good sister. While Lizard and Little Man drive her crazy, especially now that she has hit the "tween" years, she loves them and looks out for them.

I can foresee the upcoming years are going to have some rough patches ahead for the two of us. But, I will do my best to carve out that special time she craves and let her know through my actions (it is true that they speak louder than words) that she means the world to me and that no matter what, I am proud and love her beyond words.

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl. I Love You.

It Has Been Awhile...

2010-11-03T20:59:00.000-07:00

I can not believe I have not posted anything since the beginning of September. It has been a crazy few months with lots of changes for us.

The biggest change is that I started another part time job! It was one of the first resumes I sent out and I got the job. It was truly a "careful what you wish for" type of feeling. I can not believe with how many people out there looking for work right now, I got it. I feel very blessed. It is part time Monday-Friday in the mornings only…. I am back home by 1 o'clock. Mondays are long though since I moved my other part time job to the afternoon. And also on Monday I do my third part time job after the kids go to sleep. But overall, I like the people and the job. I am using my brain which is a very good thing. And, it has added a cushion to our budget which was the desired result.

It is funny, the hardest thing I struggled with was having to move Little Man from his preschool to a whole new day care/preschool set up. He did really well with his old preschool teacher despite how much of a challenge he could be. I could have pieced together care for him during the week and keep him there, but he would have had four different care givers during the week. And that would have only been through the end of the year. That was not going to work on many levels, but most importantly, it was not fair to him to shuttle him around so much. So we made the decision to make a complete change.

It has been the best move for him. He LOVES his new preschool and teacher. Just yesterday when I picked him up, we were walking out to the car and he said "I just love this place." Oh Little Man, I do too! While he has had some difficulties, he has not seemed to struggle with behaving like he did at his old preschool. They see how smart he is and what a sense of humor he has. They see him positively, not negatively. I so need to hear that when it comes to my Little Man.

Since I pick him up after all the other kids that are still there have gone down for rest/nap time, he has to sit at a table and quietly play and wait for me. I thought this would be a big negative. But it has turned out to be wonderful for him. He is getting about 30-40 minutes of one on one time with a teacher, sometimes two! He is coloring, practicing his letter and using flash cards.

And, he is at a home daycare on Mondays with a wonderful loving, Christian women from our church. He can snuggle on the couch if he needs too. And, she also does formalized preschool activities with the kids so he is getting five days a week of "education." Fabulous.

The girls are enjoying their new found responsibility of getting themselves to school. They have worked together well and Soccer Girl has really stepped up to look out for Lizard. They have surprised me. They are doing the chores I leave for them and getting their reading done all before school. Yah for responsible children!

It is funny how everything fell into place and the timing of it all. The location, the hours, Little Man's care, the girls stepping up...The answer to prayer is not lost on me.

The other fun thing that has happened is the number of photography jobs I have gotten. I have done five senior portraits sessions in the last three months and have a family session coming up this weekend. I love it! I has been hard to balance the time commitment it takes in editing the photos with all that has been going on. But it really has been fun. I see my photography as a fun creative outlet for me, a much needed service for people looking for good affordable photographs (did you know that senior pictures can cost upwards of a $1000… can you believe someone would pay that and that someone would have the nerve to charge that?!) and something that earns us some extra spending money. A win-win-win!

As I am getting use to the new schedule, I think I will be back to posting more often. I have lots rattling around in my brain that I think needs to be written… thoughts on working more and how that impacts me and how I view myself as a Mom, updates on Little Man, making things a priority that should be…. lots in my brain. I am feeling a little less frazzled so I think I can begin to formulate my thoughts so I can document this time. After all, the name of my blog is "simply capturing life" so I should do that, capture our life.

Start of Another School Year

2010-09-08T09:29:00.001-07:00

All three kids started school yesterday. Backpacks were ready and lunches made the night before (we have turned their lunch making responsibility over to the girls – yahoo!). Clothes picked out, baths and all were asleep early. We were ready! I took the obligatory photos in the morning on our front porch, in front of the bush with yellow flowers, in front of the hydrangeas, and the stairs with the backpacks. Soccer girl has it down by now, directly the other two where to go next. Little Man cooperated and I got some fun shots of the three of them. Such a great day and a bittersweet one too.

Soccer girl started 5th grade… her last year in elementary school. She seemed very nervous, but excited to start the year. She has always been my worrier and wears her emotions on her sleeve. I hope for a challenging year for her that prepares her for middle school… academically, socially and emotionally. And, I am just saying, but the kids in her class look so big. I swear there was one boy who was a tall as me. I am ready for this, but on the other hand, I am so NOT ready for this.

Lizard started 2nd grade. She was a trooper and eased into her class. She was quiet from nerves, but also very confident. I think Lizard will do well as she leaves the ease of first grade. She is eager to do big girl things and hopefully this will be the year she comes onto her own and matures. She is looking forward to getting homework. Hopefully second grade will meet her expectations.

Little Man started 3’s preschool. He was so excited, wearing his backpack and carrying his lunch box even when walking the girls to their school. He did well and other than telling me he did not want me to go, he seemed to be having fun. I was able to leave and sneak around and watch him. I am curious to see what this year brings for him.

Since I am stealing this from a friend’s facebook post I can not claim any brilliance in writing it, but I think it sums up my wish for my kids this year…

May you find a friend that likes you because you are nice, not because you are cool. May you have a teacher that makes you eager to learn, not just eager to please. May you treat all your peers equal, not just the one’s that you want to impress. May your year be blessed and your memories rich.

I Want a Cracker!

2010-08-17T11:21:00.000-07:00

We are on week two of a gluten and dairy free diet for Little Man and Lizard. We took Little Man for food sensitivity testing and his wheat (whole wheat, spelt and gluten) and dairy (whey and casein) were high. Not off the charts allergic, but high enough to warrant a go at it to see if eliminating gluten and/or dairy would help with his behavior and his eczema. We are also following this for Lizard to see if we can pinpoint the cause of her ongoing stomach aches, which to date we have not been able to figure out.

It has been a challenge for sure. Not insurmountable, but a challenge. And very expensive. We eat an above average diet – not the healthiest out there for sure, but far better than many people. Even with that, it has been interesting to try to come up with alternatives to our normal choices. You can’t just grab a bag of goldfish crackers to fill the kids up. There are gluten/dairy free alternatives, but one box for $4.00 is the size of one snack – for one kid - maybe! Plus it is a challenge to find items the kids will eat. It has been some trial an error but we are making our way.

We started out thinking the whole family would follow it. But due to cost and the impact on our food budget, we are only following it strictly for the two kids. It is maddening that alternative foods… organic…gluten free… or whatever… are so much more expensive. It is actually ridiculous that I just referred to it as “alternative” because the general public should be eating THIS food, not the processed, chemical filled “food” the food industry shoves down our throats through coupons and cheap options. The more I learn, the angrier I get. It cuts to the core when I have to make a food choice based on cost and not on what is the healthiest choice.

In the end, I am not sure eliminating dairy and/or gluten will make much difference for Little Man. I guess I am hopeful that it will have a positive impact in improving his behavior; but skeptical at this point. Maybe I am reaching for something to “blame” for his actions, his defiance and his difficult nature. I know I must explore all the possibilities for my kids to be successful and provide that to the best of my ability. At the same time, it is hard to swallow that Little Man’s behavior might not improve despite our best efforts. I hate that he might be labeled the difficult kid… the trouble maker… the one that the other parents roll their eyes at and talk about. We have already had a small taste of it.

What I want people to see is that he is so full of life, funny and smart. He is amazing. He is athletic, runs faster than any kid I know and has a smile that lights up a room. He says the funniest things (like just the other day telling Soccer Girl, “hey you have polka dots on your face” referring to her freckles, as if she didn’t know!). I think people can see it a lot of the times when there is no structure and he is free to play on his own and on his own terms. But if structure or directions are involved, it is not as visible.

One of the other things Chief and I have talked about is our role as parents in his behavior. There is cause and effect in most things in life… when we react a certain way to Little Man’s behavior it can cause him to react a certain way. We are trying to monitor our reactions. I know there are times when I have escalated his negative behavior due to my reaction. It is funny, people say by waiting to have kids until you are older, you are more mature and can handle the ups and downs better. Maybe so, but I have found I have less patience and am more tired than I was when had my other two and was "younger." My challenge is to be calm, quiet and thoughtful in my responses.

We will keep plugging away at things for our Little Man. He deserve that. I know there is purpose for this struggle even if I can't see it right now.

“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

It is Hard to Grow Up

2010-08-15T15:40:00.000-07:00

This summer has been a whirlwind... I am actually not looking forward to school starting... just yet. Usually I am ready for school to be back in session a few weeks after the kids get out, but not this summer. And, I am not sure exactly why.

Maybe I know I will have to be earnest in my job search (although I am coming around to the idea of working more and have put out a few feelers already). Maybe I know now that the grind of making lunches gets old by about day three. Maybe it is because my youngest is starting preschool (how can that be?). Maybe because we have not had as much arguing this summer as last summer (still lots of bickering, but not as much or is it that I am getting immune to it?). I think maybe the main reason is that my oldest is starting her last year of elementary school.

Her little kid days are very numbered and I realize that. The things she wants to do, the discussions she wants to have, the questions she asks are not little kids things any more for the most part. Soccer girl has always been mature for her age and very observant of life and things going on around her. We have even had to have the “birds and the bees talk” with her well over a year ago when she was 9 or so because the subject came up among her friends. Bless Chief’s “Dad of a Daughter” heart when he initially told her to wait and we would talk about it when they saw the “movie” in school. Can’t get away with waiting that long in this day and age. And the wonder of Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy are long out of the bag. Sigh.

The age span between my kids has been very evident this summer. What entertains a 3 year old does not really entertain a 10.5 year old. The most recent example was last week when I told the kids we were meeting friends at the park (where she is the oldest kid in the group), “we are going to a park, really do we have to?” Kids want to play at the park, for pete sakes... right?

It is a struggle to let Soccer Girl do things, while Lizard pouts because she does not get to do all that fun stuff. It is hard for a seven year old to be the one who is told no all the time. Soon her circle will expand, but not soon enough for her.

So I am letting the last few weeks of summer unfold, buying school supplies and a few new clothes. The last few play dates and sleepovers have been scheduled. It is hard for kids to grow up these days, but I think it is even harder for this Mom to let them grow up.

I Won!

2010-07-25T14:44:00.000-07:00

Wow! I won a blog giveaway! I am much more of a blog lurker... very rarely do I comment on blogs, even my favorite ones. I commented on a whim to enter the drawing for an t-shirt from Uncommonly Cute.

Well, imagine my surprise when at a soccer tournament (sitting out in the blazing hot sun), I got an email that I won. It made my day.

Thanks Katie for the giveaway. Read Katie over at Intentionally Katie... one of my favorite blogs and daily reads!

Six Simple Words

2010-07-19T11:04:00.000-07:00

The girls have fairly large white boards in their new rooms. They love to play school all the time and use them a lot. Money well spent if you are pondering getting one. One of the fun outcomes of having those boards is our nightly ritual of writing something on each board before the kids go to bed. Sometime I write; sometimes Chief writes… sometimes both… sometimes the girls write to each other. The girls love to read what we wrote before they go to bed or when they wake up, if we do it after they are asleep. It has been a really easy way to encourage them, give advice, joke, practice math facts or whatever. They love it and we do too!

One night a few weeks ago I wrote on Soccer Girl's board. She was really tired from lots of activities – soccer practice, speed and agility training (holy smokes!), play dates, a sleep over and a soccer tournament. She was a little overwhelmed and just plain exhausted. I wrote a few things and then wrote…”remember to rest, read, play, pray, listen and love this week”. I had not started out writing with those thoughts in my mind, but as I wrote rest and read (trying to encourage her to lay low and not be on the go so much), the other words just flowed out of my hand… to the lime green marker I was using… to the white board.

Now several weeks later, those six words are still on her board, written up in a corner in small print. I noticed the other day that she had now underlined them. I have thought of those six words a lot since then. I think they are brilliant, if I do say so myself. Each is so simple in meaning, but has so much impact.

Rest… everyone needs true rest from life’s busyness; time to themselves, just for themselves.
Read… there is so much to learn, adventures to take and humor in books. So much can be gained by making time to read.
Play… taking the time to truly play and enjoy life does a lot for your mind and body.
Pray… so much peace and focus comes from praying.
Listen… we all can learn so much more if we stop talking and stop our brains to just listen to others.
Love… how much better would this world be if we let others know how much we love them? Show them with your actions and words (and the thoughts in your head).

So while I may have written those six words down for my daughter, I think I also wrote those six words for myself. Words to live by…six simple words.

Summer

2010-07-13T13:17:00.000-07:00

Summer is in full swing… we even had some 95+ degree weather. Man it was hot. Thank goodness for air conditioning. I honestly don’t know how we lived so long in this house without it.

We are overbooked for sure. I tried to be proactive this summer to keep us busy and to not let the kids miss out on opportunities. But I think it has backfired to some degree – we are all worn out. I am sweating often just making sure everyone gets to where they need to be and picked up on time. Soccer girl is dragging, Lizard can only handle so much activity before she implodes and Little Man...he is just carted everywhere, when he just want to play in the dirt. Then throw in a few unexpected doctor appointments, surgery for the dog and other stuff. What do you have? The makings for Mom overload!

Whatever happened to the “lay around and do nothing” approach to summer? A lot has to do with my kids getting older and then are involved with more things and have more friends. A lot has to do with me and not wanting us to be at each other’s throats when we have too much time on our hands. But, I think a lot has to do with society and how we are a go-go-go society. Heck, we can get annoyed if someone does not text us back right away (after all, I know they have their phone with them all the time!). This little video of a comedian on Conan O'Brian is only about 4 minutes, but cracks me up every time I see it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8r1CZTLk-Gk

Once August gets here, we slow down quite a bit. We will enjoy more popsicles and run through the sprinklers more (we have some, but not enough). I will try to remember this feeling for next summer. As with anything in life, it is about choices and being thoughtful about those choices. One of the verses I am trying to memorize this summer pretty much sums it up for me.

“...a prudent man gives thought to his steps.” Proverbs 14:15

A Belated Birthday Post!

2010-06-22T09:56:00.000-07:00

My Lizard turned seven on June 9th. I have finally had a chance to sit down and put my thoughts about my seven year old on “paper.”

I can not believe how fast the time has gone and that she will be starting second grade in the fall. I am so proud of my girl. She is growing up way too fast (much faster than her big sister did). So many things are a blur and fuzzy in my memory. But when I think of Lizard I think of…

• Her absolutely contagious belly laugh
• Her freckles and especially the one in the middle of her nose
• Her pistol-like personality; happy one minute; foot-stomping mad the next
• How she has excelled in school in all areas
• How much she loves to read and how well she does (she loves those chapter books)
• How much more social she is then we thought she would be given how quiet and shy she was when she was younger
• How she is still finding her voice with her sister and among the kids in the neighborhood
• How she and Soccer Girl sneak into each other’s beds to sleep with each other
• How she is a card shark – really don’t play card games with her; you will lose most of the time!
• How she loves to play school
• How she can needle her brother and sister into a rage almost on a dime
• How hard she is to wake up in the morning (I dread the teenage years!)
• How she is a home body and likes her alone time
• How she gently rubs Little Man’s face during some quiet time (and he loves it too)

She is such a joy and my little peanut (all 40 pounds of her when she is dripping wet!). She loves to help and help cook. I have to remember to let her do it more often; it may be faster to do it myself but what really is the rush? She still loves to play with baby dolls but has outgrown most of her other little toys…sniff. Do seven year-olds these days really not play with many toys any more?

She wants to play basketball. She is fast and can dribble really well considering she has not really played much. Lizard has informed Soccer Girl that not everyone loves soccer and she does not have to play soccer just because her sister does! Go Lizard. It is hard for her to keep up with her sister, but I think she is learning she does not have to and she can make her own choices.

We are so proud of you Lizard. You will do great things…in your own way and in your own time. Happy birthday!

What is Happening?

2010-06-08T12:45:00.000-07:00

My Little Man has been in big boy underwear one week as of tonight! He just kind of started on his own last Tuesday evening and I looked at my schedule and thought let’s go for it. I was able to be home for the most part for 6 days straight before he had to go back to the babysitter today.

He has done so well! I am so proud of him. He still is having some accidents (mostly with the whole poop thing, sigh…). But, for the most part, he is holding it for long stretches of time and gets himself there. Since he is so stubborn, I figured it would take much longer for him to get it. We are not out of the woods for sure, but we are well on our way. Well done, my Big Boy!

I so want him potty trained, but am sad that my diapering days are pretty much behind me. I love the crinkle sound of the diaper when my little ones toddle by and the smell of Desitin, oh man, I love it. I joked with Chief that I might just buy some so I can smell it when I need a baby fix.

The remodel is done… Soccer Girl is in her own room and Lizard has her own room back! Their rooms are painted and they love having their OWN space. They have asked to sleep with each other many more times than I expected already. Maybe somewhere beneath all the bickering, they will truly be friends.

Chief’s new job is going well. He is able to work from home quite a bit which has been great, but also required some adjustment on our part. I think the best part is that he is not being micro-managed and trusted to do his job. I can see his confidence returning and he is so much happier. I am so happy for him.

Summer vacation starts next week. I am looking forward to the more relaxed schedule, but also know that causes trouble for us. I am going to do my best to have a plan each day. We need a focus and activities to keep everyone from getting on each other’s nerves. It will be a challenge to keep all three entertained as what is exciting to a 3 year old is not so much to a 10 year old or even a 7 year old. But, I will do my best.

I am going to start looking for another part time job to hopefully add to or if need be replace my current jobs. We have long wanted some more financial breathing room each month and have finally decided that I need to earn some more income to do that. The trick now is what to look for… I do not want to be tied to a job 9-5, commute and all that – never again! I want to be home when the kids get home, I want to hear about their day first hand, and most important, know the teachers and their friends and their parents, etc. The trick is that I do not know what I want to do so it is hard to even look. I do not want to HR any more. After 20 years, I am done with it. I want something from home ideally that allows me the flexibility to be home when my babies get home.

I am struggling (or probably more accurately dragging my feet) with the idea of working more. I haven’t really pin-pointed why yet. It is not because I don’t want people to know we need more financial flow each month – I could careless about that – I am putting it on the internet for Pete’s sake. I think it is the idea of not being home for my kids and the perception that I have failed them somehow. I really don’t know. I have always worked either part time or full time. I do not have an issue with putting my kids in childcare; I honestly think it is good for them. I also know that I am not the best stay at home mom. I frustrate easily and am bored. How can someone not be good at being with their kids? That could be a big part of it too.

I want so much for us to have some extra to do things (not a lot of extra, just a little bit) – like a vacation, like proper repairs on the house or upgrades. Most of our “vacations” are typically visiting family and while that is wonderful, it does not create family memories for the five of us. It is not an experience that the kids will remember and look back on. While I am not a “keep up with the Jones” type of person, it is hard at times when friends or family are renting houseboats for a week in the summer or re-doing their floors. I am not judging anyone on how or why they spend their money. It would just be nice for us to have the freedom to do some of those things without going into debt to do them and being able to keep my current schedule. I guess it is just hard to swallow that it will not happen.

My struggle continues and my half-hearted search continues…maybe the perfect job will land in my lap tomorrow? I just hope I recognize it when it lands.

So that is the update around here and my record of what is happening at this time for my little family.

A Tough Long Week

2010-05-25T17:09:00.000-07:00

It has been a tough, long week… we have all been sick to varying degrees, I am on general overload and we went out of town for a soccer tournament which added logistical stuff to my plate on top of everything else. I am sitting here now with day three of stomach pains, a week and half of an annoying cough and the general “I feel like crap” feeling… plus my annual exam is today (neat!) and potentially jury duty later this week (even better!). Yes, it has been a tough long week.

I have been doing some research on diet and how it impacts behavior. We have long suspected that food dyes and high fructose corn syrup (and the like) impact Lizard’s behavior and that she may have some level of intolerance. She has vomited with 30 minutes of consuming certain food items. Curiously, it is not every time that she has that food, but it is clearly food related. And Lizard knows… today is “Kool-Aid” day at school (they are counting down the alphabet to the end of school – like Apple day, Ball day, Crayon day, etc.). We have already talked to her teacher about this suspected issue, but Lizard talked to her teacher about not wanting Kool-Aid and she brought her own organic-less-sugar-no food-dye juice. I am very proud of her.

And, after Little Man had his 3-year check up last week, I am wondering how much his diet is impacting his behavior. His doctor suggested some of his behaviors could become worrisome if they are not controlled within the next year. She did not indicate that she thought he might have ADHD or anything like that at this point. And after doing some research, I would be very surprised if that were the outcome (and very sad). But, I am beginning to wonder how much of his behavior is the “boy” in him and how much his behavior would improve with a better diet.

I have had many people…his doctor included…tell me repeatedly that Little Man is more “active” than most children at his age – boy or girl. That is helpful, but I often wonder if it is their polite way of saying “your kid is out of control.” I don’t think so, but in my exasperated state with him many times, I have to wonder. He is defiant, impulsive, destructive, loud and hurtful a lot of the time. On the flip side, he can sit and play cars, likes to look at books and watch a video. So he can settle down. And he is very smart, silly funny and the cutest 3 year old I know. But, my days are mostly filled with refeerring, disciplining and negotiating. Now, most would say that is what you do with a 3 year old. And, yes, I agree; but, not to this degree. I am truly worried about how he will do in preschool this fall.

I want so much for Little Man and all my kids succeed. What parent wants their kid to struggle? I want to make sure we have done everything we can to help ensure they are successful. So my research continues… family decisions regarding food choices and our budget are to be made… So, yes, it has been a long tough week on many fronts.

One Proud Mom

2010-05-13T08:34:00.000-07:00

I am so proud of my Soccer Girl! She had her competitive soccer tryouts this past weekend. She made it! Soccer Girl is a very good soccer player – a great passer, very calm on the field – she does not get flustered, good ball handling skills - she can dribble the ball through people, and understands the game and the position she is playing. Where she can fall down is in her aggressiveness. She gets “offended” if the other team is pushing too much. It is quite comical really that she gets offended over something like that in soccer. Sometimes after a game she will go on and on about how they were shoving or whatever. At one game, I went down the side line to where she was playing defense and caught her attention. I said “don’t let them run you off the ball.” My Soccer Girl mouths the words to me “they are shoving” while lifting her arms out to illustrate. So I promptly yelled back, rather loudly so my point was made, “then SHOVE them back” much to her dismay (and probably to the opponents parents who heard me). As a side note, I don’t say much from the sidelines as I am usually chasing Little Man, but I felt my motherly instincts kick in at that game.

So we have to remind her often that it is okay to shove to fight for the ball, to not let the other players run her off and to let them know she can hold her own. I have even resorted to paying her a dollar if she gets a good shove in to get the ball or if she runs someone into the boards in indoor games to get a ball. To clarify – we do NOT encourage her to play dirty or unfairly. We DO encourage her to use her skills, fight for the ball when she needs to and to not let the other player “run over her” – all fair in proper soccer play.

So on Sunday – it all came together for her. She “showed up” (as I told her) to show them what she can do. It was so fun to watch her and all the girls play their hardest and show off their skills for the evaluators. She loves soccer and playing the sport with her friends. I am so happy for her. And what a good life lesson…if you go into something prepared and do it with focus, you can be successful. As we know, life does not always turn out that way even if you are prepared and focused, but it was a perfect lesson for her, right now. Just perfect! Yes, I am one proud Mom.

Happy Birthday Little Man

2010-05-11T11:11:00.000-07:00

My Little Man turned three yesterday. I can not believe how fast these three shorts years have gone by. He is my blond-haired, blue-eyed “handsome” (as I call him) and I love him with all my heart. And so I don’t forget these things in the years to come, here are some of the things I think of when I think of my Little Man, right now at age three:

He says the funniest things...
-“cupit” (ketchup)
-“cooowboy haaat” (said with a funny little voice that I can’t even describe)
-“my want to” or “my do it” (I want to or I do it)
-“Drewsa no like” (said with kind of an Italian/Mafia type accent)
-“fing” (swing)
-“fick it” (fix it)
-“you soft my soft” (says this when gently rubbing my face and loving on me) Can you stand it?

Little Man loves cars and trucks. He loves any construction related vehicle and knows all their proper names (I honestly had no idea how many types there where – he will correct me if I call a mini loader a tractor – heaven forbid). He loves running and playing outside. He loves it when he can play in the backyard by himself, digging in the dirt with “his guys” (his small construction vehicles) with no one to bug him or tell him “no.” He is so fun to watch through the window…digging, then running, then kicking a ball, then rolling in the grass, then chasing the dog… all with pure joy on his face.

He is a lefty - kicks a ball with his left foot and throws left handed and holds his fork or pencil with his left hand. He is already a mean little soccer player. He loves baseball and really any game with a ball. He is just like his Dad.

He is really slow to wake up from a nap. It can take him a good 45 minutes to get into the swing of things again. He is snuggly and grumpy all at the same time. He sleeps hard since he plays hard. He has taken to coming into our room around 3 in the morning most days to try to sleep with us. He loves to watch Barney and Thomas the Train videos and seems to love the movie “Everyone’s Hero” (an animated baseball movie which is a great family movie, by the way). He knows his colors and can count to ten usually (having asthma and counting to ten while breathing into his inhaler helped with that!) and is starting to learn his letters.

He is NOT potty trained. Enough said.

He is extremely challenging and exhausting most of the time. He is an envelope pusher in most everything he does. But he is so funny and silly most of the time too. He is a true little boy with all the mess, noise and busyness that goes with that. He has added such joy to our house. I truly can not imagine what my life would be like without him to chase around. Happy third Birthday Little Man. We love you.

Another Two by Four!

2010-05-04T15:05:00.000-07:00

Shortly after finishing my post this morning, I logged into my Girl’s Night Out (GNOs) Bible-in-a-Year blog (a group of friends of mine that get together once a month agreed to read the bible in a year and we have a private blog to post our thoughts). I am severely behind in my reading, but we all have promised each other to keep plugging along and posting our thoughts. I didn’t have anything to post (again I am behind!), but thought I would check in and see what was happening.

I read some, then clicked on a link to a devotional blog posted by a dear friend. I read the blog for a little bit, then scanned the blog topics. I immediately clicked on the topic of complaining. I sat stunned and humbled to say the least.

I read on that devotional blog "...my "wearing" of complaints and grumbling was most affecting my home." And then I read in another post "...The problem really is the balance between the reality of life's little (or big) frustrations and a complaining heart. Where does one end and the other begin? Where is the balance? It is okay, of course, to be frustrated when I splash the bleach on my pants... but how much frustration, for how long and how many times do I need to notice it and say "dang!" I don't know. What I do know is that generally I don't live the balance and I so want to. I want to live in and with a thankful heart. When I allow my frustration to overtake the worship or thankfulness, is that the line?"

After reading this, I knew my last post was just a nice way of saying “poor me.” My so-called complaints and frustrations just hit me between the eyes with a two by four, again.

Wow, God does not sugar coat things. But without my GNOs or that private blog or God, I would not have "heard" it today. And I so needed to.

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3:12

Ramblings of a "Would-Be" Fly

2010-05-04T10:16:00.000-07:00

I often would like to be a fly on the wall of my friend’s homes. Not out of some crazy “I like to snoop” type thing. It is really just to see if I am a typical Mom in my daily struggles. I often feel like I am the only one who could possibly have such frustrations and annoyances. Now friends will commiserate with me about the struggles and frustrations with their kids or whatever. But, come on, do they really have it as bad as me? (I say that with sarcasm). Hence, the fly on the wall idea.

It would really be a good reality check for me. Little Man is mentally and physically exhausting most days. Lizard is snuggly happy one minute then screaming mad within the next nano-second. Soccer Girl is a tween with all the hormones starting to do their thing; really stuck in that middle ground of being a little girl and a teenager. How would my friends handle my daily messes?

I have the best kids in the world, a great marriage, we are healthy, and have food to eat and a roof over our heads. Why then, am I exasperated much of the day? I think part of is that parenting is much harder than I ever imagine…I regret lots of the choices I make as a Mom…I feel like an unappreciated maid many days…I miss time with just Chief…

We tell the kids often to choose differently so you get a different outcome. That is great advice to dish out, but much harder to follow myself. There are days when I can choose differently…change my tone of voice, give choices, spend the quality time I need to with my family. But then there are days that I am mentally “done” before I have even gone downstairs and bark orders like a drill sergeant.

I am in a season of mental “doneness” right now. Chief said to me last night that I don’t seem happy. Honestly, deep down I am happy. What appears as unhappiness is probably frustration, tiredness and an underlying feeling that the tough parenting falls to me most of the time. I get that this is the nature of my “job” to be home with the kids. It is a choice we have made and one I would not change. But, who knew it would be so much harder for me then going to a 9-5 traditional job every day.

I have sometimes rolled my eyes at the advice “take care of yourself first so you can take care of others.” I am finding some truth to that at this time of my life, especially today. I think I am going to have to reprioritize things and put myself near the top. If I continue down this path, it is going to get bumpy and ugly. I don’t want that and neither does my family.

So…if you see a fly on your wall that looks a bit like me, I am not snooping, really. I am just trying to make sure that I am okay.

A Message for the So-Called Artists from a Mom,

2010-04-19T15:18:00.000-07:00

I have a message for Lady Gaga and the hundreds of other similar so-called "artists" of our day. Your 15 minutes are up and it is time for your careers to fade into oblivion. I will listen to you, and let my children listen to you, when you can actually write a song and perform it without using vulgar words. And I will actually sing your praises if you could perform a song that does not include overtly sexual or abusive behavior messages. You do a good job masking these messages with a great dance beat. It gets past a lot people, but not me. Until then, go away. I am tired of looking up lyrics and thinking this one might be okay for my daughter until you, in your "artistic" immaturity, slip "I want your vertical stick" or "I want your disease" in there.

Being an artist is about more than singing about sex. And just a tip...if you have to shock people and wear crazy costumes to get noticed - you are not an artist. And you target the youth of today - MY kids. That I take great offense to. Some day I hope you figure things out. And when you do, let's hope you will have some of your millions left to actually do some good in the world.

This Mom will not let her 10 year old daughter listen to your so called "music." I may be known as the uncool Mom, but I am not changing my standards. I think all the other parents out there should change their standards... or more accurately... raise them.

Sometimes it Takes a Two by Four

2010-04-12T20:53:00.000-07:00

We searched for my wedding ring for an hour and a half. I cried and I mean really cried; sobs that did nothing to help find it but did reflect how I felt.  I was kind of surprised by my reaction. I have always loved my ring. But in that hour and a half, I realized my ring is the one material posession that I love deeply. I love looking at it... love when the sunlight catches it just right and little rainbows appear... love the weight of it... love the coolness of it when I put in on.  My ring is insured, so I could replace it financially. But when faced with the idea of not having MY ring - the one Chief put on my hand - I realized I did not want it replaced. I wanted MY ring and all that goes with it.

I should back up just a bit. I took my ring off to go running Saturday morning and put it in it's normal spot on the back of the sink on the little stopper thingy. After returning from my run and getting ready, I reached for my ring. It was not there. I immediately knew Little Man had gotten a hold of it. In the past, he put a gold band down the over flow drain the sink. So I figured he put it in there.  I started to panic. I started searching, everyone started searching. Chief took the sink apart, but it was not in there. To really know if it was caught in the sink, we would have to remove it (and probably replace it and repair the tile). I started to cry. I could not imagine where it was. Chief figured he threw it (like he does most stuff). We looked high and low, I tried to convince Little Man to take Mommy to where he put my ring. Nothing.

Finally, I started to pray. I asked God to please let us find it. I thought about posting on facebook - "prayers needed right now." And, you know what?  About 5 minutes after I prayed, Soccer Girl found it. She found it on top of a dresser in our room behind a picture. Little Man did throw it and it landed up there. I had just looked on that dresser. Coincidence, I don't think so.

My first reaction is not usually to pray... it takes me a while to think of that. It took a two by four Saturday morning for me to realize I need to take my requests, desperate needs, and worries to God first! I can't do this by myself. God, I might need a few more two by fours before I really get it. But I certainly got it Saturday morning, loud and clear. I did not miss it.  Thank you.

Creamy Lemon Crumb Bars

2010-03-30T11:01:00.000-07:00

I found this recipe here. I just made these last night for my monthly Girl's Night Out. They were wonderful - very refreshing and very easy to make. It would make a great Easter dessert. Enjoy. Yummmmm!

The Weight

2010-03-23T10:46:00.000-07:00

Unless you are a Mom (or Dad), I think it is hard to understand the saying “it is like wearing your heart outside your body” or whatever that saying is that people tell you when you are about to become a parent. A lady I work with is at the hospital right now, delivering her first baby… a girl. That seems like so long ago to me when I was at the hospital delivering my first baby. But at the same time, it seems like just yesterday. I can still remember the excitement, the way my husband looked, the anticipation, the fear of the unknown regarding delivery, the first time I felt in my heart that I was a parent and the feeling of responsibility I had when the nurse took my baby to the nursery so I could get some sleep that last night in the hospital…

But, as I sit here 10 + years later as a Mom of three kids, it is really seems to me that the magnitude of my responsibility did not hit me until my kids got older and were away from me more. I could manage feedings, nap times, play dates, schedules, diapers - all that baby stuff with ease. I know many have different experiences, but for me that was the easy part. I get overwhelmed NOW with worry… am I making the right choices for our family, showing enough grace to my kids, are they learning enough, social enough but no so much so to be a slave to the social pressures of today… whatever. When I say overwhelmed, I don’t mean I lay awake every night, ringing my hands. It is a weight that hits me at times when I hear about something that happened at school, or about a family situation of a friend of my daughters and how it might impact her or how difficult Little Man can be and will he struggle as he gets older. Or it is the guilt or regret on my part when I don’t parent my kids like I should; will my kids grow up to hate me.

Sometimes the weight lasts only a few minutes, sometimes it can last awhile. The weight creeps in slowly at times or hits like a ton of bricks at others. The responsibility of raising three human beings is huge. But I am slowly learning that the weight is not mine alone to carry…

When I pray, the weight is amazingly lighter.
When I seek guidance from Chief and a wise friend, the weight is lighter.
When I remember that being the Mom to these three little souls is THE “job” God personally selected me to do, the weight is lighter.

Parenting is a journey, not a destination, as I once thought that day in the hospital when my first baby was born. My journey as a parent is long, bumpy, hard, joyous and exhausting but mostly it is amazing even with the weight.

Now that is love

2010-03-11T11:17:00.000-08:00

As I was rounding the corner this morning on my way to the store, I noticed a pigeon standing on top of a dead pigeon in my neighbor's driveway. I could not believe it. I turned the car around and ran home to get my camera (note to self - need a little point and shoot for this very reason!). So I return and he is still there, standing so protectively over his mate. I get my camera set, quietly get out of my car, and as I bend down to snap the picture, he flies away carrying his mate with him. Amazing. I did not know that pigeons were so loyal. It struck me that we should love our loved ones like that... caring, loyal and attentive... everyday, not just after they are gone. Thank you for the little reminder God.

Amazing

2010-03-05T10:00:00.000-08:00

Good news came through for Chief. He will be starting a great new job at the end of the month. He has been able to resign from his current employer which in and of itself is a huge blessing (think working for a manager that supports none of your decisions, is unethical/falsifies documents and is power hungry at the cost of her people). And that he is going to a great new opportunity is just icing on the cake.

While no job is perfect and the new one will have ups and down for sure, it is an exciting opportunity in a growing industry. His expereince has been recognized and rewarded. I am so proud of him and happy for him.

We have prayed for a new opportunity for a loooonng time and have been frustrated when things have fallen through in the past. We now see why God was waiting for this time, for this opportunity. I just need to trust more.

Trust

2010-02-23T14:58:00.000-08:00

I want certain things for my family. I pray for them, praise God for all we do have and plead at times for things to turn out the way I think they should. I do believe God is in control and things work out the way they should for a reason, even if I don’t agree with or understand it. But to truly believe God is in control…deep down…is a difficult thing for me. Especially when I think something should happen for someone I love. I reason with God, that “if you just do this, we will see You so much more in our lives.” But that is not truly trusting God to work his plan; my wants are not a bargaining chip for faith. I am not sure why I wrote this? Maybe a simple visual reminder to myself of the battle going on in my brain right now.

Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T13:46:00.000-08:00

Today is the day of "love" the day to show everyone you love just how much you love them. The idea of the day is great - take time to say you love a person. Chief and I did not exchange anything, mostly due to lack of time and saving our budget. I got the kids each a little something which they enjoyed.

But honestly, I think it is kind of a silly holiday. Spending tons of money on flowers that die and endless candy and other things (I think I have Chief convinced NOT to buy me any more roses; I am more of a fresh-cut wild-flower kind of girl and think spending $80 on roses which keel over in just a few days is a waste!). I think it is the everyday things that show you love someone...the random flowers given for no reason at all or a letter telling someone why they are so special to you. Those are the things that I love.

One of the best romantic memories I have with Chief was one of our first dates ( I think our 3rd?)... we spent the day wine tasting in Napa. We went to several, but the one that stands out was one where you take a tram to the top of a hill where the tasting room was. The day was a perfect spring day - not too hot and not too cool. Just perfect. We sat outside on the patio. It was back in the day when tasting was free and they just kept filling our glasses, brought cheese and crackers. We just talked for hours. I don't remember what we talked about, but I do remember after after that day, I knew I was in love with him. It was just perfect! Now almost 14 years later, I am still in love with him and it is just perfect... still.

Happy Valentine's Day.

How I'm Doing

2010-02-02T12:53:00.000-08:00

Well, two out of my three main goals for 2010 are going well. I have been keeping up on my reading of the bible and I am making headway on launching photography and should meet my deadline of March 1st.

Losing weight has not gone so well. I am down 3 pounds but that is probably more from being sick the last few days then my mad skills at losing weight. It is curious to me what triggers people to lose with and work at it so diligently. I lost 37 pounds about 4 years ago. I just made a decision and worked at it – no looking back. I ate the right foods – veggies and fruit, did not eat fast food, and drank tons of water. It just clicked.

Here I am again but it has not clicked for me this time yet. I am happy to say I did not gained all 37 pounds back and that is all with turning 40 and having a 3rd baby! But I don’t know what IT was before. My original goal was to lose 50 pounds and to be healthier and shop where ever I wanted. I did that and stopped at 37 pounds because I had meet my ultimate goal of being healthier. I was happy. I can still say I am healthier then I was and can still shop anywhere. But I don’t feel that way deep down.

Some things have clicked for me though - no more fast food. It is not that I eat it that often, but when I do, I feel horrible almost immediately. I am done with being lazy, because that is most often when I eat fast food – I haven’t planned a meal, am running late, whatever. I am better off not eating then eating that stuff and feeling like I have the last few times.

I am not giving up for sure and will keep plugging away. Pray for some more “clicking” to happen for me soon!

NOT like everyone else?

2010-01-28T13:22:00.000-08:00

Today while waiting at the drive-thru-window for our food, I looked inside the "restaurant" (if you call Taco Bell a restaurant) and saw about eight high school girls waiting to order. What struck me immediately was how much all the girls looked alike. Same hairstyle, same color, same style of clothes, same make up... same everything.

I immediately thought of when I was in high school and how I always wanted to fit in, to be like everyone else and not stand out. I don't recall going to extreme measures to fit in like falsifying who I was or wearing the most trendy things just because everyone else was even if I didn't like it. But I do remember that underlying desire to be accepted.

Then I thought of my girls. Oh, how I want them to stand out! I want them to stand up for their friends in a crowd, show people grace in all circumstances, be excited about learning new things and show their true character in all that they do. I want them to fall within the loose boxes of what is acceptable so they can manage life in our society. But, I want them to also be sure enough in themselves to not be afraid of going against the "world view" when they know they should. I want them to be strong enough in who they really are to do that. And to do it with God's grace behind them.

We talked to Soccer Girl just the other night about being graceful to her sister even when she feels like Lizard does not deserve grace because of her behavior. We talked about how important it is to show people grace when they least deserve it. I explained to her that I hope that others do that for me when I least deserve it.

I think it is important for me as a mom to foster my children's character in such a way that they feel that fitting in is something they can do while NOT being like everyone else. And I need to do that with God's grace behind me.

Valentine Card Idea

2010-01-27T13:12:00.000-08:00

Okay - I am totally doing this for my kids Valentine's Day cards for school and for family. Soooo much better than the dumb character cards we buy each year.

iPhone Apps

2010-01-13T08:38:00.000-08:00

Okay, this is a simple post to link to something so I don't forget. How shameful is that? I love the blog We are that Family - funny, faith-filled, great ideas, etc. Kristen has a post about free iPhone apps for toddlers that are educational and help keep them busy when waiting in line or whatever.

I don't have an iPhone yet, but in March when our contract is up, I will. Okay, why is it that cell phone companies make you wait to upgrade or they charge you a fee? They give you some song and dance about how cheaply they sell you the phone and it takes about 18 months for them to recover the cost, blah, blah, blah. Hmmm, yah, right. I am willing to buy a fancy phone and pay them more each month, but, I'll play their game and wait. Sorry that was a little tangent, wasn't it.

Sooooo, here the link.

Psalms 6

2010-01-06T16:02:00.000-08:00

Love this one - "do not rebuke me in anger"... "my soul is in anguish"... "the Lord has heard my weeping"... we were reading last night together as a family and I was reading out of Lizard's children's bible this Psalm. It is straight and to the point. Let's just say it hit a cord and I started crying - wow. I should say this was after a particulary difficult afternoon with the kids with some "fine parenting moments" on my part (said with much sarcasim) and I was not feeling like the a good Mom (or even a semi-good one). I am learning that God puts passages in front of me at just the right moment. Even today at the first day of bible study, the speaker hit me right between the eye with her words, or should I say God's words.

And, the kids loved reading together. It was a very nice way to end a difficult day.

Homemade Sloppy Joe

2010-01-06T11:58:00.000-08:00

Sloppy Joe's

16 ounces ground beef
2-3 stalks celery, chopped (I usually leave this out-can't stand cooked celery!)
1 small onion, chopped
1 (8 ounce) can tomato sauce
1/4 cup ketchup
1/4 cup BBQ sauce (use your favorite)
1 tblsp. firmly packed brown sugar
1 tsp. dry mustard (I never seem to have this so I just squirt in some yellow mustard)
salt and pepper
1 tblsp. Worcestershire suace
1 tblsp. vinegar

1. In a large skillet, brown beef, celery and onion and drain fat.
2. Stir in remaining ingredients, simmer covered for 15-20 minutes, stirring occasionally.
3. If looks too "loose", leave the cover off and let moisture evaporate.
4. Cook until it's the consistency you like for serving on buns.

This is super easy - I usually double and put some in the freezer. It is great with some french fries and with cole slaw (put it on the bun with the Joe). Yum!

Getting My Moxie Back

2010-01-03T13:30:00.000-08:00

I am feeling very optimistic about 2010 - we watched the "Night at the Museum Two - Battle at the Smithsonian" with the kids on New Year's Eve. In there, Amelia Earhart talked about "moxie".

Moxie according to the definition here is the ability to face difficulty with spirit and courage; gumption, guts, nerve. That's how I feel we are facing the new year - with gumption, courage and spirit on many levels.

I am signed up to run the Hippie Chick half-marathon again in May and will start training again this week to build up my base mileage. Running for me takes moxie because I am not a natural runner; absolutely hated it as kid. And, I am slow. But it makes me feel strong and that I can do anything. So I am starting off this New Year gathering up my moxie and it feels good.

Next Year Goals

2009-12-29T10:45:00.000-08:00

Well, I have not been very good about writing down my thoughts and that darn menu plan. I still menu plan as always, but I’ve decided I will not put it on my blog – it does not seem necessary to me after all.

Lots has been swirling around in my head and I not been too focused. I could blame it on the hussle of the Christmas season, but I won't. That is too easy. It is not Christmas and all that goes with it. It is simply my thinking lots of things and not taking the time to write it down. But that will be changing with the New Year.

Chief and I have come up with an idea for our family for 2010… not really New Year’s resolutions, but more of goals we are striving to work on this year (so I guess you could say they are resolutions, sort of). The girls seemed excited about it and Lizard immediately came up with a few for herself. I am still formulating mine but the big ones I have are:

Read the entire bible by January 1, 2011
My small group of women from our church who get together once a month for a Girl’s Night Out are going to do it together with a "girls weekend at the beach" for those that complete it as the reward – how fun is that? Click here for the schedule I am going to follow. Chief is going to do it with me too! I have never read the entire bible, only bits and pieces based on the bible study I am doing at the time or from sermons. I am really looking forward to the lessons God is going to show me through this. Thank you Jennifer L. for encouraging us all to do it.

Lose 35 pounds by September 1, 2010
I am going to take the “Move More, Eat Less” approach… with “real GOD made” food as the focus and eating less sugar, eating more fruits and veggies and more protein and eating smaller portion sizes as my guide. I do not want to follow some rigid “diet” – I just want to eat healthy at least 80% of the time. I am going to loose about 5 pounds a month which is about right – nice and slow!

Launch photography business by March 1, 2010
I have done three official photo shoots for friends (oh what fun it was!) and feel I am ready to put myself out there as a beginning photographer for hire. I need to develop my website, get the legalities in order and begin to advertise. It will be so fun to see what happens with this!

Some other ideas swirling around up there are… keeping to a regular blogging schedule, more topical writing on the blog, developing a regular chore schedule for the kids (I have done them in the past, but they always seems to fall by the wayside), following the Ramsey plan for our family better and lots more. There are both big and small goals in the works, but all ones I want to work on incorporating into our Goal Plan.

So… I’d better start reading my bible so I stay on task with my first goal… 2010 here I come!

Menu Plan, Week of December 7, 2009

2009-12-07T10:24:00.000-08:00

I have been menu planning dinners for well over a year, but I am now going to post my menus. I am hoping by doing this I can plan out our lunches and breakfasts too... we will see how it goes.

Weekly breakfasts - cereal, waffles, yogurt, eggs
Weekly lunches - sandwiches, bagels and cream cheese, salads, apples, cucumbers

Monday - Tuna noodle casserole and salad
Tuesday - Pineapple Pepperjack Chicken and salad
Wednesday - Eat out
Thursday - Slow cooker beef stroganoff, rolls and salad
Friday - Left-overs and then off to a girls night out dessert (taking raspberry brownies triffle - YUM)

There you have it - my first official cyber menu plan!

Love Your Man

2009-11-10T10:19:00.000-08:00

Can I just say, I love my man...Chief? Cause I do. We are undergoing change, but I am more in love with Chief than ever. We are in this together and that is a very comforting place to be.

Get out Murphy

2009-10-29T10:41:00.001-07:00

If you follow Dave Ramsey, you know he says if you are not prepared, Murphy moves in. Well, we are prepared to a certain extent, but Murphy has moved in on us. New tires for the car (Thank you Lord for allowing the blow out on the freeway with all the kids in the car to happen on a clear - non-raining day), new spring for the garage door, car acting up and Chief's job getting worse and worse.

I see change ahead of us - me going back to work, new jobs, open to moving where a job may lead Chief, change for the kids... I am in a moment of complete panic right now, but yesterday I was very peaceful and calm about everything.

I think God is trying to show me how to rely on him in everything. My first reaction is not to go to God, not to pray. That is changing for me in a real way. Funny, when I go to Him first, I am calm and know everything will work out the way it is suppose to. It really isn't funny or a ironic -it is real faith and I am finally learning. Took me long enough, huh God.

Brrrrr

2009-10-13T08:54:00.000-07:00

Okay, it is cold here! It is only mid-October and the heater has already been running since September and I have broken out the socks, PJ pants and long sleeve t-shirts to sleep in already (sexy, I know!). I usually don't do that until January or so. I haven't heard the official prediciton for the winter, but it sure seems like we are in for it again this year.

But I love this time of year - to me it is a fresh start (just like spring). The colors are incredible - God made for sure. So I will take the cold along with the beauty that comes with the changing of the season.

A Mixed Bag of Thoughts

2009-09-29T09:29:00.000-07:00

I have been working on my projects and it still feels good. Ottoman painted – check. Boards cut, sanded AND painted and ready for the decorative expressions – check. Glass block decorated for a Christmas gift – check. Top of fridge cleaned – check (ohhh, so gross – need to do that one more often). Kids clothes sorted and ready for the consignment store drop off – check…Lots to still do (it is never ending), but I have been trying to make a concerted effort to stop wasting time (like on the computer) and do something productive. Wahooo!

I spent some time last week out practicing with my camera in the manual mode. I definitely have a big learning curve, but it’s fun to see the results when you tweak something here and there. I am going to photograph a friend’s family soon as a way to kick off my business – we are just trying to nail down a date.

Oh and I found a great Melissa & Doug fire truck floor puzzle for Little Man at a garage sale for $2. He loves it and I love the deal I got!

I was watching SuperNanny the other day and the mom on the show said something profound to me. She said she has stopped looking at her kids as a “chore” and has been enjoying just being their mom. I have not been able to stop thinking about that statement. I think I have been guilty of thinking of my kids as a chore at times. What a horrible revelation to me. I love my kids beyond words and want nothing but the best for them and I have not been giving them my best.

I have been taking more time to play with Little Man during the day – that is after all why I am home and why we make the sacrifices we do. I have stopped and just hugged my kids more than normal. I have made an effort to just enjoy watching Soccer Girl (my 4th grader) play soccer instead of getting frustrated that I have to wrangle Little Man all the time. I have let Lizard just play without demanding she do things on my timetable as much. It is has been fun.

My kids are amazing to me – a mixed bag of emotions, energy, ideas, aggravation, eye rolling, foot stomping, love, giggles – just amazing. I want them to know they are amazing.

Getting Things in Oder

2009-09-16T14:08:00.001-07:00

I am in a "my life is unorganized" funk... and when that happens I start purging "stuff" from my life. I think of all these projects I need to get done (and often they are not big ones) but don't take action. I don't know if it is Fall or what, but I have been slowly just tackling one little project at a time... like cleaning out the medicine basket and throwing away the stuff that is so out of date it is pre-kids (and I even found one bottle that dated back to pre-marriage - good heavens!). And you know what, it took only about 30 minutes and it felt good! I just started spray painting the footstool I found at an antique store.

I think "staying home with kids" can often feel like you aren't accomplishing anything. At least for me it does. Don't get me wrong, I know how lucky I am and I get the big picture ...I am there when they get home and hear first how school was; I am there in the morning when Lizard (my 1st grader) tears up and tells me she does not want me to leave her at school; I get the out-of-the-blue neck crushing hugs from Little Man... but in the day to day stuff of life, I often don't feel like I accomplish much.

So, my goal is to just do something on my never- ending list every day. Accomplishing something tangible each day will help me to see the intangibles of being there for my kids.

Fresh Starts

2009-09-08T12:57:00.000-07:00

The girls started school today - 4th grade and 1st grade! That just amazes me. It is so cliche to say "it goes so fast" but man it sure does. I was thinking last night how so much of this summer was spent breaking up arguments, cleaning, running errands and all the stuff that in the grand scheme of life, does not matter much. We never did have our Silly String fight in the backyard (I should surprise them this weekend).  Last night I wanted to hug them and never let go. But, I have to - a little bit at time, one school year at a time.

I am needing a fresh start too - in parenting, life... oh, in lots of areas.  I am starting a new bible study tomorrow - we are studying the book of Acts...Looking at our talents and using them. It is funny how God works. Chief (my hubby) and I have talked about me starting to do some photography on the side and seeing what happens with it.  And, I am actually starting to take some steps to actually get that moving. It takes a lot for me to step out of my comfort zone and starting a business requires that. So I think this bible study is very timely for me. I love taking a photo of my kids that really captures them in that moment ... but am I ready to do that for others?

After giving a friend some pictures I had taken of our kids together and some of just her kids, she showed her oldest daughter.  After looking through the pictures, her daughter asked her "now, who took these pictures Mom?" When she told her that I had, her daughter said "these are really good, she should do this as a job." Perhaps, maybe I should.

Stocking the freezer

2009-09-03T14:00:00.000-07:00

There is something wonderful and comforting about stocking my freezer. I just finished a batch of mini-blueberry muffins and a batch of mini-banana nut muffins to grab on busy mornings. Is that weird to feel that way?

A Rough Day

2009-09-02T20:10:00.000-07:00

This afternoon was rough - Little Man was throwing cars, pulling hair, biting, disobedient and violent (well, as violent as a two year old can be!). He can be exhausting. He is a funny blend of such a gentle heart and crazy all-out "my-way or the highway" personality. But the night ended well - he snuggled and babbled sweetly as we rocked in the rocking chair'; return true;" style="border-bottom: 3px double; text-decoration: none;">rocking chair. That does my mommy heart good after a day like today.

Jumping In!

2009-09-01T10:47:00.000-07:00

I am jumping into the blogging world. I enjoy reading so many blogs I thought it was time to start my own. I plan to blog about our family - to have a place to capture our daily life. Time is flying by and so many things I thought I would remember, I simply don't. Hopefully this will be a place to capture those little moments that mean so much and really make up what my family means to me.